Red Meat Reviews » Action/Adventure

Fuckin with the Right Mexican Machete Movie Review

Haaris Ahmed — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 19:14:11 +0000

We here at RMR cant get enough of Robert Rodriguez and his most awesome movies. He has the innate ability to create a movie experience that will hit you on all levels and in the end you will be leaving with a smile on your face and a legit cool movie reference for others.

This movie was kick ass. Blood, boobs, and booze was all found and used in complete excess. Big shouts to Lindsy Lohan for being super naked and doing a stand up job in her cameo of being a drugged out slutted up daughter of a senators advisor. Robert De Niro is a great character actor, his performance brought the underlining theme of this movie to the surface which was immigration and the racism it breeds. Yes this was a politically driven film about a real problem going on in Robert Rodriguez back yard of Texas.

Machete was held up not by oh my hotness Jessica Alba (who showed some side boob, awesome beautiful side boob) or Don Johnson racism, it belonged to Machete himself, Danny Trejo.

I think Danny Trejo has been in every Robert Rodriguez, he must be Roberts lucky charm because this flick is magic. Danny Trejo portrays this role in perfect samurai action, doesn’t talk much but when he does he has something to say. Scene after scene Machete reinforces that he is the man, like the trailer voice says, “Machete gets the girl, and kills the bad guys” This movie was complete with the addition of Steven Seagal playing a Mexican Drug Lord. Between Seagal and Trejo there was more one liners than there was machismo, and there was some serious machismo.

The action, oh the action. I love hyper stylized violence, and Machete had buckets of bloody goodness to be splattered around for your viewing pleasure. Machete slices galore, gun play gone wild, death by low rider bouncing, and my favorite twins deal out some serious punishment…

These chicks are what every left wing underground network need. Talking about what people need, Machete. It’s a great film, it has something for everyone, unless you’re a Panda, cause Panda’s are a stupid animals that deserve to go instinct for multiple reasons not to be discussed in this review.

What do you think this movie is going to get, the shit just got real

Pimps Dont Cry But You Will In Laughter Other Guys Review

Haaris Ahmed — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 17:17:26 +0000

I couldn’t figure out a headline so this is what you get, its more direct than clever. Anyway welcome to a world of randomness with the Other Guys. This movie was funny and insanely random. This movie makes no sense, has very little continuity and lacks a real plot. Despite these essential movie flaws that would make any flick tank the Other Guys skyrockets to the new heights in random comedy.

The cameo with the Rock and Samuel L Jackson is awesome. They don’t last long in the movie, but when they are on screen its pure gold. Eva Mendes not only is super fine but she is one funny ass chick and she can sing. Her and Will Farrell have a great moment where she busts out in a song titled “Pimps Dont Cry” In fact I played “Pimps Dont Cry” on New Noize last week, but that version has Cee Low on it.(For those not in the know I am a radio DJ at 92.9 KJEE Santa Barbara’s Modern Rock)

Will Farrell played a very dry subdued play it safe cop teetering on insanity where as Mary Mark played his normal “I am so serious I am funny” type character like he always does and paired with Will Farrell make this movie move to corners of comedy that are rarely seen. So yeah I liked this movie.

I could go on, but buy this ticket and take this ride. Its random and fun.

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Wait How Many Dreams Am I In? – Inception Movie Review

Haaris Ahmed — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 23:18:19 +0000

To bandwagon or not to band wagon? Its not bandwagoning if the movie is actually good right? Right. So by now you must have heard about how this movie is utter genius and can not be missed. All of those things are true. This is a GREAT movie with a bunch of rewatch appeal built in for all you nerds out there. The special effects are on point and totally integrated with the story. But this is a meaty review….

Is this the best movie I have ever seen, no. Is it as good or better than the Matrix, hell fucking no. Does this movie suffer from bad acting, yes but only in one character, and that charter being that Juno chick, this cast was spectacular except for this one exception, her face just pisses me off. Look at me I am quaky but serious, kiss my ass Juno.

Leonardo Dicaprio on the other hand brought another amazing performance combined with the rest of his cast made this a thriller that didnt seem 2 1/2 hours+ but was.

But I am just digging for flaws at this point, this is a solid movie and probably top 5 movies of 2010. Wonder how it will do in th Oscar race? Whatever Christopher Nolan get back and make another totally awesome Batman movie(come on Riddler)

4 layered dreams meats……

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Predators 3 Remake of Predators 1 Sorta Movie Review

Haaris Ahmed — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 16:53:13 +0000

For the record I thought I did a review on this when this was release, but apparently I didn’t , whoopsy…..

Big up to the people that caught onto the Mortal Kombat reference, and now a bite-sized review of this sequel or remake, both will work.

Robert Rodriguez used his talents and dropped a solid Predator movie. The latest installments of Aliens Vs Predators has impacted fansboys in a supremely negative way. Robert Rodriguez decides to go solo sticking with just the Predators. The movie apparently is a psudo remake of the 1st movie but really is the 3rd movie in the time-line of Predator films. Mr Rodriguez uses themes and elements from the 1st Predator flick to create this new installment in the series, the outcome…..

Ok this wasn’t the movie of the year like I was expecting. At the same time it was not a bad movie by any means. You cant touch the magic of Arnold, Jesse the Body Ventura and Billy Dee Williams all in 1 movie, but twisting up those type characters into something new he did do, and the execution was on-point.

Instead of taking place in the jungle’s on earth a group of “killers” are abducted by the Predators and dropped on a new planet to be hunted. These “killers” include convicts, Yakuza, Mexican Milita (Fuck Yes Danny Trejo), Black Ops, blah blah blah. They all have to work together in order to stay alive and somehow bounce from this planet.

Rodriguez took some liberties and added some new elements. The Predator dogs were pretty fucking badass but the major shake up was the Predator race itself. Apparently there were 2 types of Predators. The Predator type that we all know and love is tied up like a bitch to a giant stone, and a bigger and much more menacing Predators are stalking the humans as well as the Normal Predators. These Predators have a bigger mouth and solid red eyes.

Laurence Fishburne is in the movie, his cameo is great. Adrien Brody got ripped for this flick and threw on his best Solid Snake impersonation for this role, personally I thought it kept this movie together. Topher Grace will forever suck in just about anything he is in if its not a comedy, cause that guy sucks. First Venom now this, who in Hollywood thinks this guy belongs in action movies? At least in Predators he is a doctor (with a secret, whooooo)

All in all this is a GOOD movie. The only thing i didn’t like about the flick was that there was not enough Predator scenes. It took way to long to for the movie to get going and for the cast of game to get along to combat the Predators, not to mention it took forever for Topher Grace to die, man I hate that guy. Plus no spinning disc boomerang weapon thing thing that the Predator uses in every movie!

3 Camo Meats

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Repo Men Taking Organs? The Future is Gonna Suck – Repo Men Movie Review

Haaris Ahmed — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 06:30:29 +0000

Don’t let the title fool you, that is what goes on this Sci Fi horror action flick.

Jude Law and Forest Whitaker are best friends that have grown up together in since they were little, they have fought in many wars and are military rats turned organ repo men for a corporate entity that makes a huge profit by making, inserting and financing artificial organs for humans. The problem, this evil corporation makes it so no one can really afford to make payments, you fall behind, your organ gets reposed. Its scary cause this could be a future we might live in.

Anyways this movie is gory and surprisingly campy. 3/4 into this movie it just gets silly to the point where the movies starts to take a nose dive cause of all the nonsense. Then there is a sweet twist and it all makes sense. Wanna know the twist? check out Repo Men

A standard 3 stamp of meaty goodness

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Prequel Sequel Kickassness- Ong Bak 2 Netflix Pick

Haaris Ahmed — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 23:39:29 +0000

Ong Bak 2

Fuck Yes the ultimate Thai Warrior, Tony Jaa is back in this prequel to Ong Bak, Ong Bak 2 and it is waiting for you to stream it on the Netflix.

Tony Jaa is the man. If you have never seen his movies than have been missing some epic shit. Tony Jaa does not use any types of nets, ropes, cgi, harness, nothing but pure huge balls to pull off unbelievable stunts.

Tony Jaa’s choreography and stunts have been praised throughout the film community and kung fu aficionados like myself are finally excited about him doing justice to the genre while adding his own signature and flare. So I am not going to talk about how in this movie there is a battle scene in which he takes on a HEARD OF ELEPHANTS, oops.

But seriously the only thing that has been lacking in his movies up to this point are the dialog and story which isnt that big of a deal when dealing with this type of genre and the fact its a foreign flick. Knowing that they are making an action movie they tend to border on the silly and exciting, again this really not that big deal when comparing it to the blockbuster films that come out in the united states that are just pure crap.

This movie is a Prequel to Ong Bak. It takes place back in ancient Thailand telling the story of Tien. Tien is son of a noble man who has a turbulent life. Lucky for Tien he is the man. His father gets killed, he gets sold to slavery only to battle a crocodile in a mud pit, then barely escapes and is rescued by a King of Thieves type, is raised and masters all sorts of kick ass styles, puts down a HEARD OF ELEPHANTS, wages war, avenges his father and eventually ends up with the girl. Pretty standard right, WRONG. Stream this bitch though Netflix and watch this masterpiece unfold.

The only reason this doesn’t get 5 meats is the lack of boobs in this film.

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The Legion DVD Blu Ray Review

Haaris Ahmed — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 22:04:28 +0000

This movie sucked! It sucks bad. It could have been good, but it wasn’t. There was some seriously disturbing scenes but they didn’t pop off right cause this movie was terrible. I am real glad I waited to rent this piece of garbage. I would go into the plot, but its so fucking retarded that it makes no sense. Please stop making super awesome trailers for movie that are not super awesome at all. I was really hung over when I watched this, so that is the reason I kept on watching. Do not do this to yourself, if you want to watch a movie about bad ass angel anarchy then hit up the Prophecy with Christopher Walken (he plays the angel Gabriel, and this trilogy RULES!). The Legion sucks.

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ARG!!!!!! Prince of Persia The Sands of Time Review

Haaris Ahmed — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 19:37:30 +0000

Prince of Persia is a video game that has stood the test of time. It was around on all the PC’s back in the late 80’s and early 90’s. It made a comeback when it was revamped and re imagined on the consoles of today (PS3, Wii, 360) and these games were more than good, it revolutionized gameplay mechanics and reintroduced Arabian lore into the videogame world. Without Prince of Persia there would be no God of War or Assassins Creed, both which borrow very heavily in terms of story, game construction and gameplay. So what happens when a blockbuster videogame makes it through time? Hollywood has to tarnish its legacy by exploiting the name to turn a profit, and no one does it better than Disney.

I am not surprised that another dope ass video game series got turned into sand dune of absolute crap. The only thing cool about this movie was the ending, not the actual ending, I am talking about when the movie was over and I got to leave ending. OK so the action was dope, but there was no cohesive story that makes you even remotely interested in the characters or the stories. Look at this cast, Ben Kingsley and Jake Gyllenhaal. Both these actors are AMAZINGLY talented, and what do they do, cash in on their star power and make a film that is retarded. Then again they are actors, they have very little integrity, how do I know this, because they are in PRINCE OF PERSIA.

I am not even mad that this movie is totally white washed, I mean TOTALLY. You know why there weren’t any brown people in this movie? Simple, they read this script and sent out a memo to all the brown and brown like people and told them to stay clear of this disaster, I know cause I got this memo. I would like to review this movie further but who really cares? If you have kids, need movie air conditioning or have to watch something more terrible than Lost than get up on this movie.

Fucking Bullshit

Fuck Lost!

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Cockfighter

Joe A. Melendez — Fri, 21 May 2010 00:40:04 +0000

“He came into town with his cock in hand, and what he did with it was illegal in 49 states.”

Eating red meat does not make you a man. Those grapes, dangling from that battered bush between your legs, does not make you a man. Wrestling the raw meat of an antelope from the mouth of a lion does not make you a man… Actually, no, wait… That is pretty manly. So scratch that one. Playing on your varsity high school football team does not make you a man. No, none of these things make you a man. So what does make a boy become a man? Conviction. And no story personifies a man’s conviction more than Cockfighter, starring the legendary Warren Oates.

conviction |kənˈvik sh ən|
noun
2 a firmly held belief or opinion :

Warren Oates is Frank Mansfield, a master cocksman whose drinking and mouthing off has steered him away from his goal of being cocksman of the year. This drives Frank Mansfield to vow never to speak another word until he wins the prestigious award.

This movie is filled with great scene after great scene. With a masterful supporting cast of Harry Dean Stanton (no Warren Oates movie is complete without Harry Dean Stanton) as his gentlemanly arch-rival, Jack Burke, a cameo from a young Ed Begley, Jr. as a dum-witted, cheating cockfighter, Richard B. Shull as his partner Omar Baradansky and a great performance by the writer of the original novel and screenplay, Charles Willeford, as the wise Ed Middleton.

I could rave about this movie all day, as it is my favorite movie of all times, but I wouldn’t be doing it any justice. This is the type of movie that you watch after eating a rare prime rib with a cold glass of your favorite beer. Then you sit down on your favorite chair, open a bottle of Fighting Cock Bourbon, pop this DVD in and get your mind blown away as you realize that everything that you have done so far up to this point in your life has been meaningless. You are just a grown child with a head filled of allusions to what you thought it meant to be a man.

Never in your life will you see such a manly movie full of guys caring for and playing with their cocks. The camaraderie between Warren Oates and Harry Dean Stanton is amazing despite them being rivals. Just to give you a taste of what this movie entails; within the first few minutes of the movie Frank Mansfield loses a cockfight to Jack Burke to no one’s fault but his own for trying to cheat the odds by making his cock look like it had a cracked beak. Unfortunately, it backfires, Frank loses his bet which included his car, trailer, a few bucks and his 14-year old girlfriend. Of course she protests, but Frank has nothing to say; he can’t say anything. He vowed not to talk, but he does have a thought as he walks away.

“I feel sorry for her in a way; but I ain’t worried about her. She’s pretty and young, a good lay. Hell, she’ll get by anywhere. Piss on her and the horse she road in on.”

This movie is fantastic. Warren Oates is great as Frank Mansfield. This screenplay is wonderful. The acting is great. And the movie is full of great quotes and scenes, all the way until the credits roll at the end. Do I recommend watching this movie? I do, but not to everyone. If you can’t gut a fish, change a tire, grow a beard, bet on a horse, or willing to give up a life of comfort and security in exchange for adventure, glory and conviction, then this movie is not only not for you, but you shouldn’t be allowed to watch it. This is a Glennfiddich Whiskey, an Iberian Black Leg ham, a Koby Steak, a 1969 Charger, and a beautiful exotic woman all wrapped up in movie form.

This movie gets 10 meaty steaks out of 5. Yeah, I just did that.

BONUS: Click the Movie Poster

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Netflix Picks- The Mack, Appleseed, The Saint, Albert Fish

Haaris Ahmed — Sun, 16 May 2010 04:07:26 +0000

A new section on the meat that will hopefully turn into a regular occurrence. Netflix instant stream is awesome, but its only a sliver of what they have. Despite this lack of access to their robust library, choosing a movie is still a daunting task, I have literally spent hours trying to decide what to watch. It is our bloody policy at the RMR to get right to the meat as quickly as possible and be out. So I am putting it upon myself to Sherpa you through the mountain of bullshit which is the netflix instant stream to find films that you actually want to watch.

The Mack

Pimping aint easy, especially after getting out of the pen for not being a rat, you dig. Unfortunately thats what Goldie has to do, and lucky for us we get to watch this piece of Americana unfold on the silver screen. Did I mention that a Young Richard Prior is in this film, hell yeah

This 1973 classic only gets better with every viewing. Killer vernacular, supreme style, sexy 70′s ladies(before plastic surgry), whitie, funked out soundtrack and the highest B quality prodcution next to the Shaw Brothers movie makes this an easy choice whether its your 1st viewing or you 100th. Defenatly stream this on your flat screen, no jive.

Appleseed

Stricktly for the anime heads Appleseed is another flick about how humans and AI will get co-exist. The movie is alright, the artwork looks cool, but then again it is kind of dated. The concept and idea of this film is so much better then the actual movie, if that makes any sense. The soundtrack has people like Paul Oakenfold and Bastment Jaxx which enhances movie with dope beats while mechs engaging in combat for the future of humanity. See this utopia type movie if you are in a SciFi state of mind.

The Saint

No one can touch Val Kilmer in his prime, yeah i said it. This spy movie is the SHIT!. Do you like Elizabeth Shue? Who doesn’t, unfortunately she doesnt take of her shirt in this one.

Val Kilmer plays a contract spy that has a thousand faces and more tricks then motherfuckin MAcGyver. He also plays a delicate game with some heavy hitting politically fucked up Russians who are after Elizabeth Shue’s formula for Cold Fusion. Whats cold fusion? Ask Stephen Hawkins.

Albert Fish

This documentary is about one of the most fucked up people in American History. This dude grabbed the American public’s attention and will grab yours. Warning this flick is about a person who is PURE EVIL. Albert Fish was a masochist, racist, pedophile, rapist, cannibal and white. If you can handle the subject matter than stream this dark piece of our history

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