Red Meat Reviews » Asian

For The Next 2 Weeks Only – Cat Shit One

Haaris Ahmed — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 03:41:25 +0000

Haven’t heard of Cat Shit One? Your not the only one. Its Japanese CGI madness I tell you, MADNESS!!!!

From what I watched its about 2 bunnies going on a rescue mission in the middle east where they have to waste some Camels, for reals. Hyper cute character design good enough to be in Pixar or Disney combined with the horrors of war in graphic detail make for a unique 25 minutes. The best part, you can stream the first episode for free for the next 2 weeks or so on youtube. or just check it out here,

Solid 4 bloody camel humps slices out of 5

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Ip Man

Joe A. Melendez — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 22:49:31 +0000

OOOOOOOH SHIT!

When a Kung-Fu movie has you saying those too words with that much emphasis multiple times, you know shit just got real. Ip Man is a Wing Chun Kung-Fu master. Before the Japanese invaded China, Ip Man only had to worry about random challenges from other kung fu masters. In his own calm and polite manner, he managed to show them all that he was the best. That’s how you know someone is a true badass; when he is able to beat the shit out of everybody and not be cocky about it. And when I say that he beats the shit out of people, it’s an understatement.

Of course his skill is highly sought after by many people, but Ip Man doesn’t need money and has no need to teach in order survive. But when the Japanese arrive, that all changes. Now, I’ve forgotten to mention, but Ip Man or Yip Man was a real person. Not only was he real but he was Bruce Lee’s master. Mother fucking Bruce Lee. Ip Man is a semi-biographical film about the grandmaster and is a must see for any kung fu enthusiast. So there is a story here but the real reason to watch the movie is the badass kung fu. This movie isn’t like a Rocky film where Rocky starts the fight by getting pummeled only to win at the end. In this movie, Yip Man is the man and at no point are his skills challenged, especially not when he challenges ten Japanese karate guys to a fight and proceeds to destroy all of them.

In this movie, Ip Man isn’t so much a fighter as he is a meat tenderizer; so as a result, the film is awarded five bloody steaks.

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Before Watching Inception Check Out Paprika

Haaris Ahmed — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:47:50 +0000

Yeah the title for this one is more direct than creative, but I really want you to read this post.

I haven’t read 1 bad review about Inception, not 1. I still haven’t seen Inception, it came out today, but trust me its on my to do list. So what’s up with this movie Paprika and why should you watch it before the 2 1/2 hour extravaganza known as Inception?

Paprika is a Japanese anime that pushes way past what a “traditional anime” is about. It utilizes anime in a very original way, much like Perfect Blue. It stays well clear of Anime clichés and presents a very creative and engaging film. But why should you watch this before Inception?

Paprika is about, well agent Paprika. Paprika is unique character and the main protagonist of the film. She is an agent of dreams. In this Anime’s world a device known as the DC mini was created by a 2 scientist’s for to infiltrate dreams, sorta like J Low in the Cell. Paprika is an agent of dreams created by the mind of Atsuko Chiba. Wait, what? Paprika is an altered persona of Atsuko Chiba, a therapist that has been illegally using the DC mini for treating patients in dreams. Paprika lives in the world of dreams, she is like Tyler Durden but unlike Mr. Durden, Astuko Chiba created her on purpose and is fully aware of her actions.

This film centers around people committing strange suicides, which are later ruled as murders caused by the misuse of the “DC mini”, and the cast of characters trying to find the murderer who is miss using this device. But again, why watch this movie before inception?

Simply because this movie will blow your mind. This film would have done very well in the USA if it wasn’t an anime. Chris Nolan must have watched this anime and known that. Americans need to come to terms with the notion that animation is the ultimate film medium. We have no problem with CGI flicks; movies like Toy Story 3 and Up kill it at the box office, why not Paprika? Anime creates a medium where a director can literally translate what is in his mind onto film, and Paprika is a film that personifies this fact. Smart, engaging, creative, and is out of the box on an animation level makes this a stand out film and not to be missed by movie lovers and their not so nerd like friends.

I guarantee watching this film before Inception will give you a much better movie experience, you can thank me later.

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Crows Zero II Movie Review Santa Barbara International Film Festival

Haaris Ahmed — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 21:08:36 +0000

Fly…

“It is difficult to make crows flock” is one of many stand out lines of Crows Zero II, a film currently playing at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival.

I was one of only a handful of people for the late night feature(my count was 7 people). Too bad for ANYONE who missed this film, oh don’t worry I am about to explain.

First off, they showed Crows Zero last year at the SBIFF and it turned out to be one of my favorite movies of the Film Festival. Have you ever played the video game Rival Schools? That’s basically the concept of these films. For those of you who are not hip to the 2-D fighters on various video game consoles Crows Zero is a take on High School Drama only with a serious beat’em up bloody fist twist. The main protagonist, Genji come to Suzuran High School and there are many gangs within the High School in a constant battle for control of the school. In the first Film Genji starts a new faction in Suzuran called the GPS and beats the top dude to a bloody pulp and is now the leader of all of Suzuran

The Second movie opens right where 1st movie ended. In a turn of events Genji accidentally disrupts the truce (that he had no idea about, he has been leader all of 5 minutes) with Hosen, a rival school and both schools are now at war. It’s up to Genji to unite all the gangs in Suzuran for the fight with Hosen.

This flick rocks. The second movie matures along with its characters creating a whole new mountain for Genji to climb and conquer. The action is brutal, bloody and will make you cringe. the film does a good job mixing up the drama and face melting action with just the right amount of comedic relief. And the biggest plus is the fucking fantastic soundtrack.

****Side Note- The movie is directed by Takashi Miike, he is one of my favorite directors of all time****

If you are in the SB area check out this movie on the big screen, all others find both these films and enjoy the blood!!!!

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Thirst — A Vampire Movie for Adults

Joe A. Melendez — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 06:24:59 +0000

“Is it a sin for a fox to eat a chicken?” No, and there is nothing wrong with vampires wanting to eat humans. From the director of Lady Vengeance and Old Boy, Chan-Wook Park, comes a vampire movie for people who have finally reached mental maturity but still like movies about the undead.

Vampires are blood thirsty monsters that die if exposed to light, not sparkle. I mean, those are really the only rules that one has to follow in order to make a decent vampire movie or *ahem* book. Now, I’m not going to start ranting about how shitty that other vampire movie/book is because honestly, we are living in a time where everything and anything vampire is shitty. Somehow, the vampire has become a fetish for the sexually deprived female who doesn’t have someone to eat her out during her bloodiest of horny moments once a month.

But vampires don’t want to fall in love with you, they want to rip your fucking head off and drink you dry. That being said… We have the movie Thirst that despite what I just wrote IS about a vampire falling in love. But he’s a man and a vampire who gets horny and thirsty and needs to fuck and feed, but get this, here’s the kicker, he’s a roman catholic priest… Ahhh…. Thank you Chan-Wook Park for making a vampire movie for adults. It’s been a while since Let the Right One In and I’ve been saturated with crap like True Blood, Twilight and all those other vampire shows and books all over network TV and Walmart.

As for the meat: Chan-Wook Park makes crazy movies and for the first hour or so, I was thinking, “hey, this isn’t nuts.” Then it got nuts. And that nutty part kind of threw me off a little bit and got me confused. I liked this movie. It was different, entertaining and bloody, like a vampire movie should be. In the end the movie was pretty good and worth the watch. It get’s 4 bloody, meaty human steaks.

Edward turns Bella into a Vampire and they have a baby. Jacob falls in love with the baby.

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BEST MOVIE OF 2009-NINJA ASSASSIN REVIEW

Haaris Ahmed — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:36:56 +0000

Simply put this is the best movie of 2009. Fuck Star Trek, Fuck Transformers 2, Fuck UP, Fuck Terminator, and SUPER FUCK TWILIGHT this is the movie of 2009.

The good, EVERYTHING. Blood blood and more blood. within the first 5 minutes this movie literally starts slicing faces in half, GRAPHICALLY and doesn’t stop till the end of the movie. There was so much fake blood that even George A Romero would have been taken back. The movie went from current time to flashback time seamlessly, which is a huge plus. I expected the story to be lame, but I was wrong, it was actually solid for real time ninjas. I expected the acting to be subpar at best, WRONG AGAIN. The multiracial cultural cast set in Germany was believable and they worked well together. The main ninja dude is a pop star in Korea so I expected him to be soft, TOTALLY 180 degrees wrong. This dude was as hard core as it comes. This movie totally ninja’d yours truly.

The attention to detail is what makes this movie. Any fan of the Samaria flicks, anime, Kung Fu or ninjas flicks will pick on this real quick. This movie brings ninja stars to a whole new level, the scenes with the ninja stars can only be compared to the opening sequence in Ninja Scroll when all the ninjas blast the forest in a ninja star attack on the Rock skinned dude. Shadow hopping is prevalent throughout this flick and the best was healing jutsu sequences, who doesn’t like ninja magic?

Do yourself a favor and see this movie, I have 3 times already all in the movie theaters.

Shit Just Got Real…

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Wild Zero – Japanese Punk Rock Hero

Joe A. Melendez — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 23:52:50 +0000

In the year 2000, the Japanese unleashed a movie that would separate itself from all other Japanese movies that make you say WTF? Why? Because Wild Zero doesn’t use the regular elements of Japanese movies which are 75% people staring at each other, 20% crazy shit that makes you cringe and 5% of ridiculous plot twists.

I’m gonna cut out all the gristle and bone and go straight to meat on this one. What does this movie have? Zombies, UFO’s, Japanese Punk Rock band Guitar Wolf playing themselves, exploding heads, tranny love, zombie love, and lots of Rock N’ Roll, or how Guitar Wolf frontman Guitar Wolf (that’s his name) says it, “Lock And Load!”

If you like silly movies, and all the aforementioned things, rent this DVD. I give it 4 Bloody Steaks for being Japantastic.

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1970s Samurai Gangsta Film Trilogy Too Good To Exist? Nope Hanzo The Razor Itami Review

Haaris Ahmed — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 23:01:23 +0000

Shintarô Katsu is the MAN. Who is he? Shogun Assassin producer. The guy who played Zatoichi. He is as bad ass as they come when discussing 70’s Asian flicks, hands DOWN.

So I am hooking you up with a trilogy of films where he plays Hanzo “The Razor” Itami, a police officer in the Edo period when ronin samurais ran wild in Japan. He has mastered the style of being the baddest mother fucker around. One of those style that he has mastered is called “flesh sword”. That is a reference to his penis. And his penis is all powerful. He literally interrogates women by giving them the dick, then stopping half way into his groove, then questions the women while he is still inside them, and they can’t resist the pure ecstasy of his style and the women confess with the promise that Hanzo will continue with his epic style. He also fights while still in his underwear throughout the 3 films. Besides his amazing virility The Razor is respected by even the Shogun himself. He is a true Samurai in the age when being a samurai was a dying art. There is some remarkable critiques of society, gender roles, justice, power and class systems.

There are 3 movies that contain “The Razor” in them. Here are the English titles:

Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice

Hanzo the Razor: The Snare<—— my favorite

Hanzo the Razor: Who’s Got the Gold

You don’t have to watch them in order but I recommend you do. My favorite is The Snare. At one point he interrogates a nun by stripping her down, putting her naked body in a rope net, then getting his two lackeys(both are fucking hilarious, pure comedy with their unintentional homo humor and constant lack of pussy) to lift a this nun contained net up and down on his “flesh sword” , spinning her at time on his back until she reached the height of pleasure and then started asking her questions! Talk about torture ladies, and yes she confessed, with the quickness I might add.

Overall this movie is extremely male chauvinistic, bloody, and awesome. If you like movies from the 70’s, samurais, comedy and super awesome porn music then this trilogy is for you.

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