Red Meat Reviews » DVD

For The Next 2 Weeks Only – Cat Shit One

Haaris Ahmed — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 03:41:25 +0000

Haven’t heard of Cat Shit One? Your not the only one. Its Japanese CGI madness I tell you, MADNESS!!!!

From what I watched its about 2 bunnies going on a rescue mission in the middle east where they have to waste some Camels, for reals. Hyper cute character design good enough to be in Pixar or Disney combined with the horrors of war in graphic detail make for a unique 25 minutes. The best part, you can stream the first episode for free for the next 2 weeks or so on youtube. or just check it out here,

Solid 4 bloody camel humps slices out of 5

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Ip Man

Joe A. Melendez — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 22:49:31 +0000

OOOOOOOH SHIT!

When a Kung-Fu movie has you saying those too words with that much emphasis multiple times, you know shit just got real. Ip Man is a Wing Chun Kung-Fu master. Before the Japanese invaded China, Ip Man only had to worry about random challenges from other kung fu masters. In his own calm and polite manner, he managed to show them all that he was the best. That’s how you know someone is a true badass; when he is able to beat the shit out of everybody and not be cocky about it. And when I say that he beats the shit out of people, it’s an understatement.

Of course his skill is highly sought after by many people, but Ip Man doesn’t need money and has no need to teach in order survive. But when the Japanese arrive, that all changes. Now, I’ve forgotten to mention, but Ip Man or Yip Man was a real person. Not only was he real but he was Bruce Lee’s master. Mother fucking Bruce Lee. Ip Man is a semi-biographical film about the grandmaster and is a must see for any kung fu enthusiast. So there is a story here but the real reason to watch the movie is the badass kung fu. This movie isn’t like a Rocky film where Rocky starts the fight by getting pummeled only to win at the end. In this movie, Yip Man is the man and at no point are his skills challenged, especially not when he challenges ten Japanese karate guys to a fight and proceeds to destroy all of them.

In this movie, Ip Man isn’t so much a fighter as he is a meat tenderizer; so as a result, the film is awarded five bloody steaks.

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Do Not Rent Date Night Movie Review

Haaris Ahmed — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 23:15:28 +0000

So I have decided not to watch Tina Fey movies from now on. This movie was horrible. Don’t get me wrong there were some funny parts but as a whole this was a snooze fest. I rented this garbage Saturday night, me and my lady are chilling on the couch on after a day of running around like crazy people. We were supposed to see Scott Pilgrim vs the World, but we ended up just calling it a night and decided to rent a flick on the PSN. Wrong movie to rent, I am not a cheap bastard by any means but I want my $3.99 back. I don’t get it, Tina Fey is funny on SNL, in fact she is one of the only funny people left on that tragic cast they call sketch comedy.

The defining moment that this movie was pure piece of ultimate crap came when my lady could not take it anymore and just blurted out, “This movie is not very good at all” She has manners and tact, I however do not. I would have rather watched a marathon of “Monsters Inside of Me”, a show on the discovery channel that I avoid like the plague simply because of the subject matter. I thought that Baby Mama was bad but Tina Fey has out done herself in this waste of film. Oh and Steve Carell, stop doing bad movies like this, your better than that. Oh and Common is in it so you know its bad. Common please stop acting, you are a great lyricist, but your acting skills are terrible.

This movie get 1/2 a meat cause Tina Fey does look hot in here stripper outfit.

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Before Watching Inception Check Out Paprika

Haaris Ahmed — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:47:50 +0000

Yeah the title for this one is more direct than creative, but I really want you to read this post.

I haven’t read 1 bad review about Inception, not 1. I still haven’t seen Inception, it came out today, but trust me its on my to do list. So what’s up with this movie Paprika and why should you watch it before the 2 1/2 hour extravaganza known as Inception?

Paprika is a Japanese anime that pushes way past what a “traditional anime” is about. It utilizes anime in a very original way, much like Perfect Blue. It stays well clear of Anime clichés and presents a very creative and engaging film. But why should you watch this before Inception?

Paprika is about, well agent Paprika. Paprika is unique character and the main protagonist of the film. She is an agent of dreams. In this Anime’s world a device known as the DC mini was created by a 2 scientist’s for to infiltrate dreams, sorta like J Low in the Cell. Paprika is an agent of dreams created by the mind of Atsuko Chiba. Wait, what? Paprika is an altered persona of Atsuko Chiba, a therapist that has been illegally using the DC mini for treating patients in dreams. Paprika lives in the world of dreams, she is like Tyler Durden but unlike Mr. Durden, Astuko Chiba created her on purpose and is fully aware of her actions.

This film centers around people committing strange suicides, which are later ruled as murders caused by the misuse of the “DC mini”, and the cast of characters trying to find the murderer who is miss using this device. But again, why watch this movie before inception?

Simply because this movie will blow your mind. This film would have done very well in the USA if it wasn’t an anime. Chris Nolan must have watched this anime and known that. Americans need to come to terms with the notion that animation is the ultimate film medium. We have no problem with CGI flicks; movies like Toy Story 3 and Up kill it at the box office, why not Paprika? Anime creates a medium where a director can literally translate what is in his mind onto film, and Paprika is a film that personifies this fact. Smart, engaging, creative, and is out of the box on an animation level makes this a stand out film and not to be missed by movie lovers and their not so nerd like friends.

I guarantee watching this film before Inception will give you a much better movie experience, you can thank me later.

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The Legion DVD Blu Ray Review

Haaris Ahmed — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 22:04:28 +0000

This movie sucked! It sucks bad. It could have been good, but it wasn’t. There was some seriously disturbing scenes but they didn’t pop off right cause this movie was terrible. I am real glad I waited to rent this piece of garbage. I would go into the plot, but its so fucking retarded that it makes no sense. Please stop making super awesome trailers for movie that are not super awesome at all. I was really hung over when I watched this, so that is the reason I kept on watching. Do not do this to yourself, if you want to watch a movie about bad ass angel anarchy then hit up the Prophecy with Christopher Walken (he plays the angel Gabriel, and this trilogy RULES!). The Legion sucks.

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Wolfman Movie Review

Haaris Ahmed — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 21:50:48 +0000

Oh Jeez…I was in the mood for some horror so I jumped onto the PSN and rented Wolfman, I was hoping this movie was going to be good, and I was wrong. There was some strong gore, but they came in flashes. The story was EXTREMLY predictable and at no point was I lost in this film at all.

They tried to touch on the glory of the old school Wolfman but failed miserably. You would have figured that a cast consisting of Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weavings would be killer, but it wasn’t. The only good thing about this tragic film was the makeup and costumes, thats it. This movie was trying way too hard to have the look and feel like Bram Strokers Dracula(starring Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder) but came off as some cheap spin off. I am wasting my time even describing the horror which was this horror film. THERE WERE NO TITTIES!!!! There has to be at least 1 exposed boob in any somewhat decent horror movie.

Redbone here… I enjoyed this movie and liked the old school Wolfman feel to it… Yes the story was predictable, but I wasn’t expecting anything different when getting ready to watch this. I thought Del Toro was a bit bland but Hopkins, as usual, was the man. The main problem with all these vampire and werewolf movies is that it’s been beat to death already. I just don’t care for them anymore.

I give it 1 more bloody steak than the Shogun.

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Metropia

Joe A. Melendez — Sat, 29 May 2010 01:20:02 +0000

Instead of watching this movie, I want you to do something… Turn on some porn and play with yourself until you are almost about to climax and then stop abruptly. Now, repeat this every twenty minutes for six days. After the sixth day, wind up and punch yourself in the nuts.

There is so much about this movie that could be good and constantly keeps falling short. The animation is cool, but fidgety and emotionless. It reminds me of the marionettes in Team America, only this wasn’t done on purpose. The story was pulled out of a hat that contained pages from Dark City, the Matrix, Johnny Mnemonic and Brazil. Also, the voice of the main character was done by the ever so annoying and lame Vincent Gallo. Vincent Gallo is the only person to make the anticipation of blow job seem pointless and unjustifiable. Well, I know one other person, but I can’t remember her name.

Needless to say, this movie is stupid. It has so much potential but instead it simply made me feel like I’ve just watched a collection of cut scenes from a shitty RPG video game.

It gets one steak, simply because the animation is pretty cool.

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Cockfighter

Joe A. Melendez — Fri, 21 May 2010 00:40:04 +0000

“He came into town with his cock in hand, and what he did with it was illegal in 49 states.”

Eating red meat does not make you a man. Those grapes, dangling from that battered bush between your legs, does not make you a man. Wrestling the raw meat of an antelope from the mouth of a lion does not make you a man… Actually, no, wait… That is pretty manly. So scratch that one. Playing on your varsity high school football team does not make you a man. No, none of these things make you a man. So what does make a boy become a man? Conviction. And no story personifies a man’s conviction more than Cockfighter, starring the legendary Warren Oates.

conviction |kənˈvik sh ən|
noun
2 a firmly held belief or opinion :

Warren Oates is Frank Mansfield, a master cocksman whose drinking and mouthing off has steered him away from his goal of being cocksman of the year. This drives Frank Mansfield to vow never to speak another word until he wins the prestigious award.

This movie is filled with great scene after great scene. With a masterful supporting cast of Harry Dean Stanton (no Warren Oates movie is complete without Harry Dean Stanton) as his gentlemanly arch-rival, Jack Burke, a cameo from a young Ed Begley, Jr. as a dum-witted, cheating cockfighter, Richard B. Shull as his partner Omar Baradansky and a great performance by the writer of the original novel and screenplay, Charles Willeford, as the wise Ed Middleton.

I could rave about this movie all day, as it is my favorite movie of all times, but I wouldn’t be doing it any justice. This is the type of movie that you watch after eating a rare prime rib with a cold glass of your favorite beer. Then you sit down on your favorite chair, open a bottle of Fighting Cock Bourbon, pop this DVD in and get your mind blown away as you realize that everything that you have done so far up to this point in your life has been meaningless. You are just a grown child with a head filled of allusions to what you thought it meant to be a man.

Never in your life will you see such a manly movie full of guys caring for and playing with their cocks. The camaraderie between Warren Oates and Harry Dean Stanton is amazing despite them being rivals. Just to give you a taste of what this movie entails; within the first few minutes of the movie Frank Mansfield loses a cockfight to Jack Burke to no one’s fault but his own for trying to cheat the odds by making his cock look like it had a cracked beak. Unfortunately, it backfires, Frank loses his bet which included his car, trailer, a few bucks and his 14-year old girlfriend. Of course she protests, but Frank has nothing to say; he can’t say anything. He vowed not to talk, but he does have a thought as he walks away.

“I feel sorry for her in a way; but I ain’t worried about her. She’s pretty and young, a good lay. Hell, she’ll get by anywhere. Piss on her and the horse she road in on.”

This movie is fantastic. Warren Oates is great as Frank Mansfield. This screenplay is wonderful. The acting is great. And the movie is full of great quotes and scenes, all the way until the credits roll at the end. Do I recommend watching this movie? I do, but not to everyone. If you can’t gut a fish, change a tire, grow a beard, bet on a horse, or willing to give up a life of comfort and security in exchange for adventure, glory and conviction, then this movie is not only not for you, but you shouldn’t be allowed to watch it. This is a Glennfiddich Whiskey, an Iberian Black Leg ham, a Koby Steak, a 1969 Charger, and a beautiful exotic woman all wrapped up in movie form.

This movie gets 10 meaty steaks out of 5. Yeah, I just did that.

BONUS: Click the Movie Poster

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Big Fan

Joe A. Melendez — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 03:41:03 +0000

Patton Oswalt is a loser, hardcore Giants fan who gets beat up by his favorite player. This turns his life upside down, not that there was much to turn over and sets off a series of events that fly out of control towards the end. This movie has finally convinced me that the Academy Awards, Golden Globes and all those other movie awards are simply a celebrity circle jerk that only boast about films that are supposed to be good. But they don’t do their research, they don’t watch the films, they don’t give a fuck.

Why do I say this?

Because Big Fan was fucking great. I thought since Patton Oswalt is in it, that this movie was going to be a silly comedy; boy was I wrong. This was a very serious role with some humor added. Oswalt was great and the story was very entertaining.

It was a good thing that I was the RMR reviewer for this film because a deeply rooted point of the movie has to deal with the New York Giants Vs. Philadelphia Eagles fans rivalry and we have one of each on our staff. Shogun00 bleeds Giants’ blue and Whiteface screams Eagles. Luckily, I don’t give a fuck about football, but I was born about a mile from Giants’ Stadium so…

Nevertheless, like I said before, this movie is great. And if Mickey Rourke and The Wrestler could be handed so many awards and critical acclaims then Big Fan deserves them too.

I’m going to give this movie 5 bloody steaks… I wasn’t going to go so high despite loving the movie, but then I remembered my favorite line from the film, “Maybe he’s here to see the Wu-Tang”

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Bruce Willis Saves the Future From Ourselves? Surrogates Movie Review

Haaris Ahmed — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 19:28:18 +0000

Bruce Willis is the man.

This movie sucks. It does, plain and simple. Bruce Willis is the only thing good about this movie and even that doesn’t stop the suckage. The movie started out promising, robots, the future, new culture VS old culture. It had it all, and somehow, big budget and all this movie just tanked. I will be honest I stopped paying attention after a couple plot twists.

If you want to see Bruce do his thing in the future rent Fifth Element.

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