Red Meat Reviews » Movies

Fuckin with the Right Mexican Machete Movie Review

Shogun00 — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 19:14:11 +0000

We here at RMR cant get enough of Robert Rodriguez and his most awesome movies. He has the innate ability to create a movie experience that will hit you on all levels and in the end you will be leaving with a smile on your face and a legit cool movie reference for others.

This movie was kick ass. Blood, boobs, and booze was all found and used in complete excess. Big shouts to Lindsy Lohan for being super naked and doing a stand up job in her cameo of being a drugged out slutted up daughter of a senators advisor. Robert De Niro is a great character actor, his performance brought the underlining theme of this movie to the surface which was immigration and the racism it breeds. Yes this was a politically driven film about a real problem going on in Robert Rodriguez back yard of Texas.

Machete was held up not by oh my hotness Jessica Alba (who showed some side boob, awesome beautiful side boob) or Don Johnson racism, it belonged to Machete himself, Danny Trejo.

I think Danny Trejo has been in every Robert Rodriguez, he must be Roberts lucky charm because this flick is magic. Danny Trejo portrays this role in perfect samurai action, doesn’t talk much but when he does he has something to say. Scene after scene Machete reinforces that he is the man, like the trailer voice says, “Machete gets the girl, and kills the bad guys” This movie was complete with the addition of Steven Seagal playing a Mexican Drug Lord. Between Seagal and Trejo there was more one liners than there was machismo, and there was some serious machismo.

The action, oh the action. I love hyper stylized violence, and Machete had buckets of bloody goodness to be splattered around for your viewing pleasure. Machete slices galore, gun play gone wild, death by low rider bouncing, and my favorite twins deal out some serious punishment…

These chicks are what every left wing underground network need. Talking about what people need, Machete. It’s a great film, it has something for everyone, unless you’re a Panda, cause Panda’s are a stupid animals that deserve to go instinct for multiple reasons not to be discussed in this review.

What do you think this movie is going to get, the shit just got real

Pimps Dont Cry But You Will In Laughter Other Guys Review

Shogun00 — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 17:17:26 +0000

I couldn’t figure out a headline so this is what you get, its more direct than clever. Anyway welcome to a world of randomness with the Other Guys. This movie was funny and insanely random. This movie makes no sense, has very little continuity and lacks a real plot. Despite these essential movie flaws that would make any flick tank the Other Guys skyrockets to the new heights in random comedy.

The cameo with the Rock and Samuel L Jackson is awesome. They don’t last long in the movie, but when they are on screen its pure gold. Eva Mendes not only is super fine but she is one funny ass chick and she can sing. Her and Will Farrell have a great moment where she busts out in a song titled “Pimps Dont Cry” In fact I played “Pimps Dont Cry” on New Noize last week, but that version has Cee Low on it.(For those not in the know I am a radio DJ at 92.9 KJEE Santa Barbara’s Modern Rock)

Will Farrell played a very dry subdued play it safe cop teetering on insanity where as Mary Mark played his normal “I am so serious I am funny” type character like he always does and paired with Will Farrell make this movie move to corners of comedy that are rarely seen. So yeah I liked this movie.

I could go on, but buy this ticket and take this ride. Its random and fun.

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Mockumentary Gone Creepy – The Last Exorcism Review

Shogun00 — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 17:08:23 +0000

Do you like the feeling you get when you leave a movie theater and the movie stays with you? Do you like really creepy subject matter shot in a Mockumentary fashion? Do you like to be bugged out while watching a horror flick? If you said yes to any of these questions than The Last Exorcism is just waiting for you at your local Movie Theater.

This movie is a hybrid of styles done right. It take the low budget feel of a documentary and turns it on its side. You know what you are watching is Hollywood, but it feels like a reality show on TLC. The premise of this film is simple and effective. Its about a dude who does not believe in God yet preforms exorcisms. He justifies his actions by clearly stating that he is actually helping people by giving them what they feel they need to move on with life. It picks up where he receives a bunch of mail, opens a letter requesting an exorcism and decides to film it to reveal how exorcisms are so simple to fake yet has a positive effect, kind of a fucked up.

He goes to a farm out in the middle of incest central to preform an “exorcism” and what ends up happening throughout the rest of the flick will bug you the fuck out. You don’t know what is happening with anything in this film, things just keep getting weirder the more time passes; Whats up with the dad and daughter relationship? What is the brother keeping secret? Why the fuck would anyone still live in middle America? This movie isn’t super violent or in your face as it is hyper-real-creepy. This flick will have your mind swimming in a state of what the fuck and the whole time it feels like this documentary is real. The best part is at the end, its freaking awesome.

Before I warp up this review I would like to mention the acting in this film, it was very well done. I have never scene these actors in anything and it is refreshing to see a cast of all new faces do such a superb job of creeping me the hell out, thanks.

This movie gets a SOLID 4 slabs, thanks for the weird ass nightmares.

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The Last Sanctuary West Wind Drive In Santa Barbara

Shogun00 — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 22:56:48 +0000

America. As technology get better so do our movie experiences. Needless to say a night at the drive in was something that a kid from NJ could only see in movies. The “Drive In” was a dream, an experience that would forever allude me due to the decade in which I was born. How cool would it be on a summer night to get close to the one you want to see naked in the privacy of your own car for a double feature? Pack some food, grab some blankets, crack the windows, pump the radio and enjoy, sounds like something out of the 60′s. Last Saturday evening this dream became a reality for yours truly.

Earlier this year in the city of Santa Barbara the Drive In was reopen under the direction of the West Wind Theaters. What a GREAT experience. First of its a double feature, 2 movies for the price of 1. The price was fan fucking tastic, $6.50 for 1 ticket. The best part was the actual movies that they decide to play, 2 R rated flicks, The Last Exorcism and The Other Guys. On top of that, the Last Exorcism had just opened this past Friday.

The space was great, nice and open. People with SUV’s and Trucks were in Heaven with their backed up set ups. Some Drive In patrons deiced to break out lawn chairs and boomboxes, all were there to have a good time. We left the car on but not the engine, and tuned to a specific radio frequency to hear surprisingly crisp audio.(Dolby digital) The video projection was as expected, the blacks and shadows on screen were hard to see, but this was a very minor complaint and in no way hinder this great expedience.

Unfortunately this amazing may experience might not last much longer. I was talking with the manager and they are aggressively trying to promote the Drive In to keep it going year round. In fact they are doing a free movie night this Thursday, banking that people buy at the concessions, which by the way had all the trimmings that you would find at any other movie theater plus arcade games. What are they showing this Thursday? Inception and the A-Team, how cool is that!

Support your local drive in or travel to the closest drive in and support that. This is a piece of America that we not only need to preserve, but re-popularize. This was everything a movie experience should have been, and for the price expect that this will be my new way of viewing movies.

The Coveted 5 Slabs!!!!

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Piranha 3D the New Benchmark of 3D Goodness?

Shogun00 — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 20:10:14 +0000

Fuck Yeah.

Lets get some bullshit out of the way. This is another remake of a classic B horror movie because Hollywood is starved for original ideas, but unlike most remakes this is GREAT! Yeah I said it.

If you are a critical fruitcake that must find artistry and meaning in every piece of film then this movie is not for you. If you like watching movies with over the top nudity, violence and cheesy 1 liners than you have found the golden egg of movies in Piranha 3-D.

I went into this film expecting it to be absolutely terrible, I am talking ZERO expectations. So why would I go to put myself through this torture? 3D BOOBS!!!!!!!! In particular, Kelly Brook’s 3D naked body was my main motivation, and I was not disappointed. Not only was she super naked throughout this film, so was ever other porn chick trying to break it into Hollywood, so much nudity in 3D. There is a scene with Kelly Brook and Riley Steele (porn star) are swimming underwater with only flippers on in 3D, it put Avatar to shame.

Oh the movie, it was awesome. It had so many cameo’s including Richard Dryfuss getting eaten in the 1st scene, Eli Roth promoting a wet tee shirt contest and Christopher Lloyd posing as a eccentric scientist. Top that with veteran B movie gold actors Elizabeth Shue and Jerry O’Connell and you have a receipt for movie magic.

There is a basic plot where it spring break and all these college coeds are partying on a lake that had some serious seismic activates causing a fissure in the lake which opened up an underwater cavern where prehistoric piranha are unleashed from their captivity. Did I mention Ving Rhames is in this as well?

This movie was more of a slasher than a horror flick. So much blood, so many floating body parts, and the dreaded penis violence. If you like gore than you have bought the right ticket.

The best part, the movie was only 89 minutes long, so I didnt get the 3D headache. So what shall I rate this gem? Seeing it has blood, 3D boobs, prehistoric attacks and Jerry O’Connell 4 1/2 Meats. Had to take off 1/2 a meat cause it was a remake.

You might be asking, why 4 1/2 meats? please check out our rating system according to all the factors presented this movie qualifies the coveted 5 Meat rating. Yes Piranha has scored higher than Inception.

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Ip Man

Redbone — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 22:49:31 +0000

OOOOOOOH SHIT!

When a Kung-Fu movie has you saying those too words with that much emphasis multiple times, you know shit just got real. Ip Man is a Wing Chun Kung-Fu master. Before the Japanese invaded China, Ip Man only had to worry about random challenges from other kung fu masters. In his own calm and polite manner, he managed to show them all that he was the best. That’s how you know someone is a true badass; when he is able to beat the shit out of everybody and not be cocky about it. And when I say that he beats the shit out of people, it’s an understatement.

Of course his skill is highly sought after by many people, but Ip Man doesn’t need money and has no need to teach in order survive. But when the Japanese arrive, that all changes. Now, I’ve forgotten to mention, but Ip Man or Yip Man was a real person. Not only was he real but he was Bruce Lee’s master. Mother fucking Bruce Lee. Ip Man is a semi-biographical film about the grandmaster and is a must see for any kung fu enthusiast. So there is a story here but the real reason to watch the movie is the badass kung fu. This movie isn’t like a Rocky film where Rocky starts the fight by getting pummeled only to win at the end. In this movie, Yip Man is the man and at no point are his skills challenged, especially not when he challenges ten Japanese karate guys to a fight and proceeds to destroy all of them.

In this movie, Ip Man isn’t so much a fighter as he is a meat tenderizer; so as a result, the film is awarded five bloody steaks.

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Do Not Rent Date Night Movie Review

Shogun00 — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 23:15:28 +0000

So I have decided not to watch Tina Fey movies from now on. This movie was horrible. Don’t get me wrong there were some funny parts but as a whole this was a snooze fest. I rented this garbage Saturday night, me and my lady are chilling on the couch on after a day of running around like crazy people. We were supposed to see Scott Pilgrim vs the World, but we ended up just calling it a night and decided to rent a flick on the PSN. Wrong movie to rent, I am not a cheap bastard by any means but I want my $3.99 back. I don’t get it, Tina Fey is funny on SNL, in fact she is one of the only funny people left on that tragic cast they call sketch comedy.

The defining moment that this movie was pure piece of ultimate crap came when my lady could not take it anymore and just blurted out, “This movie is not very good at all” She has manners and tact, I however do not. I would have rather watched a marathon of “Monsters Inside of Me”, a show on the discovery channel that I avoid like the plague simply because of the subject matter. I thought that Baby Mama was bad but Tina Fey has out done herself in this waste of film. Oh and Steve Carell, stop doing bad movies like this, your better than that. Oh and Common is in it so you know its bad. Common please stop acting, you are a great lyricist, but your acting skills are terrible.

This movie get 1/2 a meat cause Tina Fey does look hot in here stripper outfit.

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Wait How Many Dreams Am I In? – Inception Movie Review

Shogun00 — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 23:18:19 +0000

To bandwagon or not to band wagon? Its not bandwagoning if the movie is actually good right? Right. So by now you must have heard about how this movie is utter genius and can not be missed. All of those things are true. This is a GREAT movie with a bunch of rewatch appeal built in for all you nerds out there. The special effects are on point and totally integrated with the story. But this is a meaty review….

Is this the best movie I have ever seen, no. Is it as good or better than the Matrix, hell fucking no. Does this movie suffer from bad acting, yes but only in one character, and that charter being that Juno chick, this cast was spectacular except for this one exception, her face just pisses me off. Look at me I am quaky but serious, kiss my ass Juno.

Leonardo Dicaprio on the other hand brought another amazing performance combined with the rest of his cast made this a thriller that didnt seem 2 1/2 hours+ but was.

But I am just digging for flaws at this point, this is a solid movie and probably top 5 movies of 2010. Wonder how it will do in th Oscar race? Whatever Christopher Nolan get back and make another totally awesome Batman movie(come on Riddler)

4 layered dreams meats……

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A Serbian Film

Redbone — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 02:25:36 +0000

I just watched the most fucked up movie ever. Human Centipede is for children. Antichrist is PG-13 compared to this. I enjoy obscure gore films. This… Do not watch this. There is no need to watch this movie. Just trust me. I’ve watched the most fucked up of films, but this one… This one just ain’t right.

Milos is a porn star that is hired to do an “Art” film. The price is right, so he accepts. What happens next is just not right. Just take my word for it. Don’t watch this movie. Normally, I give a little synopsis and add the trailer to the end. I do not want to promote this movie nor its plot. I don’t EVER say this, but… They took it too far. Not for the gore or the nudity, but for the context. It’s like something Albert Fish and Jeffrey Dahmer would have written at a sick, sadistic, serial-killing rapist convention.

This was a snuff film. It gets no meaty steaks because it made me lose my appetite.

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Predators 3 Remake of Predators 1 Sorta Movie Review

Shogun00 — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 16:53:13 +0000

For the record I thought I did a review on this when this was release, but apparently I didn’t , whoopsy…..

Big up to the people that caught onto the Mortal Kombat reference, and now a bite-sized review of this sequel or remake, both will work.

Robert Rodriguez used his talents and dropped a solid Predator movie. The latest installments of Aliens Vs Predators has impacted fansboys in a supremely negative way. Robert Rodriguez decides to go solo sticking with just the Predators. The movie apparently is a psudo remake of the 1st movie but really is the 3rd movie in the time-line of Predator films. Mr Rodriguez uses themes and elements from the 1st Predator flick to create this new installment in the series, the outcome…..

Ok this wasn’t the movie of the year like I was expecting. At the same time it was not a bad movie by any means. You cant touch the magic of Arnold, Jesse the Body Ventura and Billy Dee Williams all in 1 movie, but twisting up those type characters into something new he did do, and the execution was on-point.

Instead of taking place in the jungle’s on earth a group of “killers” are abducted by the Predators and dropped on a new planet to be hunted. These “killers” include convicts, Yakuza, Mexican Milita (Fuck Yes Danny Trejo), Black Ops, blah blah blah. They all have to work together in order to stay alive and somehow bounce from this planet.

Rodriguez took some liberties and added some new elements. The Predator dogs were pretty fucking badass but the major shake up was the Predator race itself. Apparently there were 2 types of Predators. The Predator type that we all know and love is tied up like a bitch to a giant stone, and a bigger and much more menacing Predators are stalking the humans as well as the Normal Predators. These Predators have a bigger mouth and solid red eyes.

Laurence Fishburne is in the movie, his cameo is great. Adrien Brody got ripped for this flick and threw on his best Solid Snake impersonation for this role, personally I thought it kept this movie together. Topher Grace will forever suck in just about anything he is in if its not a comedy, cause that guy sucks. First Venom now this, who in Hollywood thinks this guy belongs in action movies? At least in Predators he is a doctor (with a secret, whooooo)

All in all this is a GOOD movie. The only thing i didn’t like about the flick was that there was not enough Predator scenes. It took way to long to for the movie to get going and for the cast of game to get along to combat the Predators, not to mention it took forever for Topher Grace to die, man I hate that guy. Plus no spinning disc boomerang weapon thing thing that the Predator uses in every movie!

3 Camo Meats

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