Red Meat Reviews » Movies

For The Next 2 Weeks Only – Cat Shit One

Haaris Ahmed — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 03:41:25 +0000

Haven’t heard of Cat Shit One? Your not the only one. Its Japanese CGI madness I tell you, MADNESS!!!!

From what I watched its about 2 bunnies going on a rescue mission in the middle east where they have to waste some Camels, for reals. Hyper cute character design good enough to be in Pixar or Disney combined with the horrors of war in graphic detail make for a unique 25 minutes. The best part, you can stream the first episode for free for the next 2 weeks or so on youtube. or just check it out here,

Solid 4 bloody camel humps slices out of 5

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the 31 Days of Halloween- Days 8-10 – LAUGH AT DEATH

The Caped Tirader — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 22:26:45 +0000

For days 8-10 I’ve decided to highlight 3 Horror Comedies that will bring life to the dead. These are the movies that make you laugh while characters are torn to shreds

1. ABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN (1948)

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein – From two of the greatest minds in entertainment, I present to you this classic. A star studded cast anchored by Lon Chaney (The Wolfman) and Dracula himself, Bela Lugosi. This hilarious movie highlights the ‘Odd Couple’ relationship of Bud and Lou magnificently as Dracula attempts to kill and steal the brain of a dim-witted union worker for the sake of trying to make the Frankenstein monster more pliable. A real classic!!

2. Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Shaun Of The Dead- Probably the most well known horror comedy out there, Shaun is in my mind one of the funniest movies ever made AND it has a few decent gotcha moments to boot. If you like smart dry humor, zombies (ooops I said the ‘Zed’ word), and Grand Master Flash then this movie is for you.

3. Clue (1985)

Clue- The original who-done-it. Clue is another one of my all time favorite movies. Super quotable and hilarious. Plus, for you scaredy cats out there, this one is pretty much spook free, though it has it share of murders If you haven’t seen it then you’re in for a treat! This movie will KILL your boredom, in the Living room, with shear genius.

Each of these fine flicks gets 5 tasty slabs of cow for a total of 15 steaks!

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The 31 Days of Halloween- Day 5- El Orfanato

The Caped Tirader — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 01:44:51 +0000

El Orfanato (The Orphanage)

The Orphanage (2007) is a a terribly spooky and exciting Spanish flick (English subtitled), The impressive cinematography and heavy atmosphere sets it apart from most of the other horror/thriller movies of this decade.

Under the direction of Guillermo Del Toro (Pans Labyrinth), El Orfanato ties you to the characters in a unique and genuine way. This is so much more than a ghost story!

Though there are a few ‘gotcha’ moments, they are not what the film relies on. The film is saturated with a beautifully creepy feel throughout.

The story revolves around a woman (Laura), her husband (Carlos), and their orphan son (Simón). All of whom live in a house that used to be an orphanage in which Laura grew up.

Simón’s imaginary friends begin playing games with the family and before long a nightmare ensues. One of the imaginary friends, Tomás, leaves a trail for Laura to uncover the truth behind the orphanage and its dark past.

This is one of my favorites! AND, actually, I dressed as Tomás last year for Halloween.

This flick is as good as 5 rare and delicious Delmonico’s

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The 31 Days of Halloween- Day 4

The Caped Tirader — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 22:36:21 +0000

“He always takes one”

The Collector (2009)

The collector is one of the few American movies in the past few years that isn’t a REMAKE. that alone seems to make it a unique flick. But that’s not all it has going for it. The Collector is a pretty intense ride with some great kill scenes. The story takes place inside of a house where a low level ‘bad guy’ with a few priors tries to break into a safe to steal a family’s riches. But unfortunately for him there is a really bad-ass guy in the house already (yeah…that bad ass) and the house is booby-trapped worse than a giant trap where the main objective of the trap is to trap boobies! Yeah…its that booby-trapped…..booby.

Ok, sorry. At any rate, the thief finds himself in the position to be the hero. I’ll let you watch to find out his fate. Does he defeat the Collector? Watch and see. The movie is made by some of the guys who did a few Saw flicks so there are some similarities in the death scenes. BUT this flick is well worth the watch!!

I would rate this movie: but they are wrapped in bacon

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The 31 Days of Halloween

The Caped Tirader — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 15:15:35 +0000

Happy October everyone. It is time to begin celebrating my favorite holiday of the year. I love Halloween! Parties, women in costumes, cool weather, and horror movies. In the spirit, I will be counting down the 31 days of Halloween by suggesting some really great horror movies for your viewing. I know that it is now the 3rd of October, therefore I will being this countdown with a three for one. Here we go:

Day 1: “He came home.”

Halloween (1978)

What better way to kick off a horror movie count down, than with John Carpenter’s classic, Halloween.

To me, Halloween is one of the scariest movies ever made. At 6 years old, Michael Myers killed his older sister and ended up in an insane asylum. 15 years later Myers escapes fro mthe asylum and, while rocking a William Shatner mask, attempts to finish what he started by killing his younger sister (played by Jamie Lee Curtis).

If you’re interested in blood and guts and over the top ‘gotcha’ moments, then this isn’t the movie for you. BUT if you are looking for an intense, suspenseful and frightening, old school flick with a musical score scarier than Clint Eastwood’s verse in the end-credits score in Gran Torino, then this movie will not disappoint.

THE BOOGEYMAN IS COMING!!!

“Black cats and goblins and broomsticks and ghosts.
Covens of witches with all of their hopes.
You may think they scare me. You’re probably right.
Black cats and goblins on Halloween night.
Trick or treat!”

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Fuckin with the Right Mexican Machete Movie Review

Haaris Ahmed — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 19:14:11 +0000

We here at RMR cant get enough of Robert Rodriguez and his most awesome movies. He has the innate ability to create a movie experience that will hit you on all levels and in the end you will be leaving with a smile on your face and a legit cool movie reference for others.

This movie was kick ass. Blood, boobs, and booze was all found and used in complete excess. Big shouts to Lindsy Lohan for being super naked and doing a stand up job in her cameo of being a drugged out slutted up daughter of a senators advisor. Robert De Niro is a great character actor, his performance brought the underlining theme of this movie to the surface which was immigration and the racism it breeds. Yes this was a politically driven film about a real problem going on in Robert Rodriguez back yard of Texas.

Machete was held up not by oh my hotness Jessica Alba (who showed some side boob, awesome beautiful side boob) or Don Johnson racism, it belonged to Machete himself, Danny Trejo.

I think Danny Trejo has been in every Robert Rodriguez, he must be Roberts lucky charm because this flick is magic. Danny Trejo portrays this role in perfect samurai action, doesn’t talk much but when he does he has something to say. Scene after scene Machete reinforces that he is the man, like the trailer voice says, “Machete gets the girl, and kills the bad guys” This movie was complete with the addition of Steven Seagal playing a Mexican Drug Lord. Between Seagal and Trejo there was more one liners than there was machismo, and there was some serious machismo.

The action, oh the action. I love hyper stylized violence, and Machete had buckets of bloody goodness to be splattered around for your viewing pleasure. Machete slices galore, gun play gone wild, death by low rider bouncing, and my favorite twins deal out some serious punishment…

These chicks are what every left wing underground network need. Talking about what people need, Machete. It’s a great film, it has something for everyone, unless you’re a Panda, cause Panda’s are a stupid animals that deserve to go instinct for multiple reasons not to be discussed in this review.

What do you think this movie is going to get, the shit just got real

Pimps Dont Cry But You Will In Laughter Other Guys Review

Haaris Ahmed — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 17:17:26 +0000

I couldn’t figure out a headline so this is what you get, its more direct than clever. Anyway welcome to a world of randomness with the Other Guys. This movie was funny and insanely random. This movie makes no sense, has very little continuity and lacks a real plot. Despite these essential movie flaws that would make any flick tank the Other Guys skyrockets to the new heights in random comedy.

The cameo with the Rock and Samuel L Jackson is awesome. They don’t last long in the movie, but when they are on screen its pure gold. Eva Mendes not only is super fine but she is one funny ass chick and she can sing. Her and Will Farrell have a great moment where she busts out in a song titled “Pimps Dont Cry” In fact I played “Pimps Dont Cry” on New Noize last week, but that version has Cee Low on it.(For those not in the know I am a radio DJ at 92.9 KJEE Santa Barbara’s Modern Rock)

Will Farrell played a very dry subdued play it safe cop teetering on insanity where as Mary Mark played his normal “I am so serious I am funny” type character like he always does and paired with Will Farrell make this movie move to corners of comedy that are rarely seen. So yeah I liked this movie.

I could go on, but buy this ticket and take this ride. Its random and fun.

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Mockumentary Gone Creepy – The Last Exorcism Review

Haaris Ahmed — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 17:08:23 +0000

Do you like the feeling you get when you leave a movie theater and the movie stays with you? Do you like really creepy subject matter shot in a Mockumentary fashion? Do you like to be bugged out while watching a horror flick? If you said yes to any of these questions than The Last Exorcism is just waiting for you at your local Movie Theater.

This movie is a hybrid of styles done right. It take the low budget feel of a documentary and turns it on its side. You know what you are watching is Hollywood, but it feels like a reality show on TLC. The premise of this film is simple and effective. Its about a dude who does not believe in God yet preforms exorcisms. He justifies his actions by clearly stating that he is actually helping people by giving them what they feel they need to move on with life. It picks up where he receives a bunch of mail, opens a letter requesting an exorcism and decides to film it to reveal how exorcisms are so simple to fake yet has a positive effect, kind of a fucked up.

He goes to a farm out in the middle of incest central to preform an “exorcism” and what ends up happening throughout the rest of the flick will bug you the fuck out. You don’t know what is happening with anything in this film, things just keep getting weirder the more time passes; Whats up with the dad and daughter relationship? What is the brother keeping secret? Why the fuck would anyone still live in middle America? This movie isn’t super violent or in your face as it is hyper-real-creepy. This flick will have your mind swimming in a state of what the fuck and the whole time it feels like this documentary is real. The best part is at the end, its freaking awesome.

Before I warp up this review I would like to mention the acting in this film, it was very well done. I have never scene these actors in anything and it is refreshing to see a cast of all new faces do such a superb job of creeping me the hell out, thanks.

This movie gets a SOLID 4 slabs, thanks for the weird ass nightmares.

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The Last Sanctuary West Wind Drive In Santa Barbara

Haaris Ahmed — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 22:56:48 +0000

America. As technology get better so do our movie experiences. Needless to say a night at the drive in was something that a kid from NJ could only see in movies. The “Drive In” was a dream, an experience that would forever allude me due to the decade in which I was born. How cool would it be on a summer night to get close to the one you want to see naked in the privacy of your own car for a double feature? Pack some food, grab some blankets, crack the windows, pump the radio and enjoy, sounds like something out of the 60′s. Last Saturday evening this dream became a reality for yours truly.

Earlier this year in the city of Santa Barbara the Drive In was reopen under the direction of the West Wind Theaters. What a GREAT experience. First of its a double feature, 2 movies for the price of 1. The price was fan fucking tastic, $6.50 for 1 ticket. The best part was the actual movies that they decide to play, 2 R rated flicks, The Last Exorcism and The Other Guys. On top of that, the Last Exorcism had just opened this past Friday.

The space was great, nice and open. People with SUV’s and Trucks were in Heaven with their backed up set ups. Some Drive In patrons deiced to break out lawn chairs and boomboxes, all were there to have a good time. We left the car on but not the engine, and tuned to a specific radio frequency to hear surprisingly crisp audio.(Dolby digital) The video projection was as expected, the blacks and shadows on screen were hard to see, but this was a very minor complaint and in no way hinder this great expedience.

Unfortunately this amazing may experience might not last much longer. I was talking with the manager and they are aggressively trying to promote the Drive In to keep it going year round. In fact they are doing a free movie night this Thursday, banking that people buy at the concessions, which by the way had all the trimmings that you would find at any other movie theater plus arcade games. What are they showing this Thursday? Inception and the A-Team, how cool is that!

Support your local drive in or travel to the closest drive in and support that. This is a piece of America that we not only need to preserve, but re-popularize. This was everything a movie experience should have been, and for the price expect that this will be my new way of viewing movies.

The Coveted 5 Slabs!!!!

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Piranha 3D the New Benchmark of 3D Goodness?

Haaris Ahmed — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 20:10:14 +0000

Fuck Yeah.

Lets get some bullshit out of the way. This is another remake of a classic B horror movie because Hollywood is starved for original ideas, but unlike most remakes this is GREAT! Yeah I said it.

If you are a critical fruitcake that must find artistry and meaning in every piece of film then this movie is not for you. If you like watching movies with over the top nudity, violence and cheesy 1 liners than you have found the golden egg of movies in Piranha 3-D.

I went into this film expecting it to be absolutely terrible, I am talking ZERO expectations. So why would I go to put myself through this torture? 3D BOOBS!!!!!!!! In particular, Kelly Brook’s 3D naked body was my main motivation, and I was not disappointed. Not only was she super naked throughout this film, so was ever other porn chick trying to break it into Hollywood, so much nudity in 3D. There is a scene with Kelly Brook and Riley Steele (porn star) are swimming underwater with only flippers on in 3D, it put Avatar to shame.

Oh the movie, it was awesome. It had so many cameo’s including Richard Dryfuss getting eaten in the 1st scene, Eli Roth promoting a wet tee shirt contest and Christopher Lloyd posing as a eccentric scientist. Top that with veteran B movie gold actors Elizabeth Shue and Jerry O’Connell and you have a receipt for movie magic.

There is a basic plot where it spring break and all these college coeds are partying on a lake that had some serious seismic activates causing a fissure in the lake which opened up an underwater cavern where prehistoric piranha are unleashed from their captivity. Did I mention Ving Rhames is in this as well?

This movie was more of a slasher than a horror flick. So much blood, so many floating body parts, and the dreaded penis violence. If you like gore than you have bought the right ticket.

The best part, the movie was only 89 minutes long, so I didnt get the 3D headache. So what shall I rate this gem? Seeing it has blood, 3D boobs, prehistoric attacks and Jerry O’Connell 4 1/2 Meats. Had to take off 1/2 a meat cause it was a remake.

You might be asking, why 4 1/2 meats? please check out our rating system according to all the factors presented this movie qualifies the coveted 5 Meat rating. Yes Piranha has scored higher than Inception.

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