Red Meat Reviews » Horror

the 31 Days of Halloween- Days 8-10 – LAUGH AT DEATH

The Caped Tirader — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 22:26:45 +0000

For days 8-10 I’ve decided to highlight 3 Horror Comedies that will bring life to the dead. These are the movies that make you laugh while characters are torn to shreds

1. ABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN (1948)

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein – From two of the greatest minds in entertainment, I present to you this classic. A star studded cast anchored by Lon Chaney (The Wolfman) and Dracula himself, Bela Lugosi. This hilarious movie highlights the ‘Odd Couple’ relationship of Bud and Lou magnificently as Dracula attempts to kill and steal the brain of a dim-witted union worker for the sake of trying to make the Frankenstein monster more pliable. A real classic!!

2. Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Shaun Of The Dead- Probably the most well known horror comedy out there, Shaun is in my mind one of the funniest movies ever made AND it has a few decent gotcha moments to boot. If you like smart dry humor, zombies (ooops I said the ‘Zed’ word), and Grand Master Flash then this movie is for you.

3. Clue (1985)

Clue- The original who-done-it. Clue is another one of my all time favorite movies. Super quotable and hilarious. Plus, for you scaredy cats out there, this one is pretty much spook free, though it has it share of murders If you haven’t seen it then you’re in for a treat! This movie will KILL your boredom, in the Living room, with shear genius.

Each of these fine flicks gets 5 tasty slabs of cow for a total of 15 steaks!

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The 31 Days of Halloween- Day 5- El Orfanato

The Caped Tirader — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 01:44:51 +0000

El Orfanato (The Orphanage)

The Orphanage (2007) is a a terribly spooky and exciting Spanish flick (English subtitled), The impressive cinematography and heavy atmosphere sets it apart from most of the other horror/thriller movies of this decade.

Under the direction of Guillermo Del Toro (Pans Labyrinth), El Orfanato ties you to the characters in a unique and genuine way. This is so much more than a ghost story!

Though there are a few ‘gotcha’ moments, they are not what the film relies on. The film is saturated with a beautifully creepy feel throughout.

The story revolves around a woman (Laura), her husband (Carlos), and their orphan son (Simón). All of whom live in a house that used to be an orphanage in which Laura grew up.

Simón’s imaginary friends begin playing games with the family and before long a nightmare ensues. One of the imaginary friends, Tomás, leaves a trail for Laura to uncover the truth behind the orphanage and its dark past.

This is one of my favorites! AND, actually, I dressed as Tomás last year for Halloween.

This flick is as good as 5 rare and delicious Delmonico’s

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The 31 Days of Halloween- Day 4

The Caped Tirader — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 22:36:21 +0000

“He always takes one”

The Collector (2009)

The collector is one of the few American movies in the past few years that isn’t a REMAKE. that alone seems to make it a unique flick. But that’s not all it has going for it. The Collector is a pretty intense ride with some great kill scenes. The story takes place inside of a house where a low level ‘bad guy’ with a few priors tries to break into a safe to steal a family’s riches. But unfortunately for him there is a really bad-ass guy in the house already (yeah…that bad ass) and the house is booby-trapped worse than a giant trap where the main objective of the trap is to trap boobies! Yeah…its that booby-trapped…..booby.

Ok, sorry. At any rate, the thief finds himself in the position to be the hero. I’ll let you watch to find out his fate. Does he defeat the Collector? Watch and see. The movie is made by some of the guys who did a few Saw flicks so there are some similarities in the death scenes. BUT this flick is well worth the watch!!

I would rate this movie: but they are wrapped in bacon

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The 31 Days of Halloween

The Caped Tirader — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 15:15:35 +0000

Happy October everyone. It is time to begin celebrating my favorite holiday of the year. I love Halloween! Parties, women in costumes, cool weather, and horror movies. In the spirit, I will be counting down the 31 days of Halloween by suggesting some really great horror movies for your viewing. I know that it is now the 3rd of October, therefore I will being this countdown with a three for one. Here we go:

Day 1: “He came home.”

Halloween (1978)

What better way to kick off a horror movie count down, than with John Carpenter’s classic, Halloween.

To me, Halloween is one of the scariest movies ever made. At 6 years old, Michael Myers killed his older sister and ended up in an insane asylum. 15 years later Myers escapes fro mthe asylum and, while rocking a William Shatner mask, attempts to finish what he started by killing his younger sister (played by Jamie Lee Curtis).

If you’re interested in blood and guts and over the top ‘gotcha’ moments, then this isn’t the movie for you. BUT if you are looking for an intense, suspenseful and frightening, old school flick with a musical score scarier than Clint Eastwood’s verse in the end-credits score in Gran Torino, then this movie will not disappoint.

THE BOOGEYMAN IS COMING!!!

“Black cats and goblins and broomsticks and ghosts.
Covens of witches with all of their hopes.
You may think they scare me. You’re probably right.
Black cats and goblins on Halloween night.
Trick or treat!”

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Mockumentary Gone Creepy – The Last Exorcism Review

Haaris Ahmed — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 17:08:23 +0000

Do you like the feeling you get when you leave a movie theater and the movie stays with you? Do you like really creepy subject matter shot in a Mockumentary fashion? Do you like to be bugged out while watching a horror flick? If you said yes to any of these questions than The Last Exorcism is just waiting for you at your local Movie Theater.

This movie is a hybrid of styles done right. It take the low budget feel of a documentary and turns it on its side. You know what you are watching is Hollywood, but it feels like a reality show on TLC. The premise of this film is simple and effective. Its about a dude who does not believe in God yet preforms exorcisms. He justifies his actions by clearly stating that he is actually helping people by giving them what they feel they need to move on with life. It picks up where he receives a bunch of mail, opens a letter requesting an exorcism and decides to film it to reveal how exorcisms are so simple to fake yet has a positive effect, kind of a fucked up.

He goes to a farm out in the middle of incest central to preform an “exorcism” and what ends up happening throughout the rest of the flick will bug you the fuck out. You don’t know what is happening with anything in this film, things just keep getting weirder the more time passes; Whats up with the dad and daughter relationship? What is the brother keeping secret? Why the fuck would anyone still live in middle America? This movie isn’t super violent or in your face as it is hyper-real-creepy. This flick will have your mind swimming in a state of what the fuck and the whole time it feels like this documentary is real. The best part is at the end, its freaking awesome.

Before I warp up this review I would like to mention the acting in this film, it was very well done. I have never scene these actors in anything and it is refreshing to see a cast of all new faces do such a superb job of creeping me the hell out, thanks.

This movie gets a SOLID 4 slabs, thanks for the weird ass nightmares.

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Piranha 3D the New Benchmark of 3D Goodness?

Haaris Ahmed — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 20:10:14 +0000

Fuck Yeah.

Lets get some bullshit out of the way. This is another remake of a classic B horror movie because Hollywood is starved for original ideas, but unlike most remakes this is GREAT! Yeah I said it.

If you are a critical fruitcake that must find artistry and meaning in every piece of film then this movie is not for you. If you like watching movies with over the top nudity, violence and cheesy 1 liners than you have found the golden egg of movies in Piranha 3-D.

I went into this film expecting it to be absolutely terrible, I am talking ZERO expectations. So why would I go to put myself through this torture? 3D BOOBS!!!!!!!! In particular, Kelly Brook’s 3D naked body was my main motivation, and I was not disappointed. Not only was she super naked throughout this film, so was ever other porn chick trying to break it into Hollywood, so much nudity in 3D. There is a scene with Kelly Brook and Riley Steele (porn star) are swimming underwater with only flippers on in 3D, it put Avatar to shame.

Oh the movie, it was awesome. It had so many cameo’s including Richard Dryfuss getting eaten in the 1st scene, Eli Roth promoting a wet tee shirt contest and Christopher Lloyd posing as a eccentric scientist. Top that with veteran B movie gold actors Elizabeth Shue and Jerry O’Connell and you have a receipt for movie magic.

There is a basic plot where it spring break and all these college coeds are partying on a lake that had some serious seismic activates causing a fissure in the lake which opened up an underwater cavern where prehistoric piranha are unleashed from their captivity. Did I mention Ving Rhames is in this as well?

This movie was more of a slasher than a horror flick. So much blood, so many floating body parts, and the dreaded penis violence. If you like gore than you have bought the right ticket.

The best part, the movie was only 89 minutes long, so I didnt get the 3D headache. So what shall I rate this gem? Seeing it has blood, 3D boobs, prehistoric attacks and Jerry O’Connell 4 1/2 Meats. Had to take off 1/2 a meat cause it was a remake.

You might be asking, why 4 1/2 meats? please check out our rating system according to all the factors presented this movie qualifies the coveted 5 Meat rating. Yes Piranha has scored higher than Inception.

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A Serbian Film

Joe A. Melendez — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 02:25:36 +0000

I just watched the most fucked up movie ever. Human Centipede is for children. Antichrist is PG-13 compared to this. I enjoy obscure gore films. This… Do not watch this. There is no need to watch this movie. Just trust me. I’ve watched the most fucked up of films, but this one… This one just ain’t right.

Milos is a porn star that is hired to do an “Art” film. The price is right, so he accepts. What happens next is just not right. Just take my word for it. Don’t watch this movie. Normally, I give a little synopsis and add the trailer to the end. I do not want to promote this movie nor its plot. I don’t EVER say this, but… They took it too far. Not for the gore or the nudity, but for the context. It’s like something Albert Fish and Jeffrey Dahmer would have written at a sick, sadistic, serial-killing rapist convention.

This was a snuff film. It gets no meaty steaks because it made me lose my appetite.

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Repo Men Taking Organs? The Future is Gonna Suck – Repo Men Movie Review

Haaris Ahmed — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 06:30:29 +0000

Don’t let the title fool you, that is what goes on this Sci Fi horror action flick.

Jude Law and Forest Whitaker are best friends that have grown up together in since they were little, they have fought in many wars and are military rats turned organ repo men for a corporate entity that makes a huge profit by making, inserting and financing artificial organs for humans. The problem, this evil corporation makes it so no one can really afford to make payments, you fall behind, your organ gets reposed. Its scary cause this could be a future we might live in.

Anyways this movie is gory and surprisingly campy. 3/4 into this movie it just gets silly to the point where the movies starts to take a nose dive cause of all the nonsense. Then there is a sweet twist and it all makes sense. Wanna know the twist? check out Repo Men

A standard 3 stamp of meaty goodness

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Wolfman Movie Review

Haaris Ahmed — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 21:50:48 +0000

Oh Jeez…I was in the mood for some horror so I jumped onto the PSN and rented Wolfman, I was hoping this movie was going to be good, and I was wrong. There was some strong gore, but they came in flashes. The story was EXTREMLY predictable and at no point was I lost in this film at all.

They tried to touch on the glory of the old school Wolfman but failed miserably. You would have figured that a cast consisting of Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weavings would be killer, but it wasn’t. The only good thing about this tragic film was the makeup and costumes, thats it. This movie was trying way too hard to have the look and feel like Bram Strokers Dracula(starring Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder) but came off as some cheap spin off. I am wasting my time even describing the horror which was this horror film. THERE WERE NO TITTIES!!!! There has to be at least 1 exposed boob in any somewhat decent horror movie.

Redbone here… I enjoyed this movie and liked the old school Wolfman feel to it… Yes the story was predictable, but I wasn’t expecting anything different when getting ready to watch this. I thought Del Toro was a bit bland but Hopkins, as usual, was the man. The main problem with all these vampire and werewolf movies is that it’s been beat to death already. I just don’t care for them anymore.

I give it 1 more bloody steak than the Shogun.

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The Human Centipede

Joe A. Melendez — Mon, 24 May 2010 19:28:56 +0000

What the fuck did I just watch? And why did I laugh?

As you might have already known by now, this movie gives a new meaning to ass-to-mouth. Dr. Heiter kidnaps two stupid American girls that get lost in the woods while vacationing in Germany and a random Japanese dude. Dr. Heiter, having been the world’s best siamese twin separation surgeon, decides that he is now in the “getting people together” business. Yes, someone eats poop in this movie… It was too silly to be gross.

This movie is ridiculous and not nearly as disturbing as I thought it would be. I think my expectations were too high. Don’t get me wrong, most people will find this movie very disturbing. But, this was nothing beyond what the Japanese have been making for years. Dieter Laser as Dr. Heiter is great. He has a face that not even his mother could love as it exudes hate and evilness. He definitely carried this movie. As for the rest of the cast, I really never got to like them enough for me to have pity for them for being forced to be part of a Human Centipede..

I think that was the greatest flaw with this film. It wasn’t graphic enough to be gore-porn and the characters weren’t developed enough for me to feel pity. The absurdness of the entire film with it’s gross nature and premise does make this movie a must see for the horror fan, not for its gore but for it’s level of unintentional silliness. The Human Centipede is not as shocking as everyone is making it out to seem. This is not Audition, Old Boy, Martyrs, Cannibal Holocaust or Antichrist. This is more of a Mr. Giggles, Shocker or Children Under the Stairs.

It gets two bloody steaks… no more, no less…

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