Red Meat Reviews » Kung Fu

Ip Man

Joe A. Melendez — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 22:49:31 +0000

OOOOOOOH SHIT!

When a Kung-Fu movie has you saying those too words with that much emphasis multiple times, you know shit just got real. Ip Man is a Wing Chun Kung-Fu master. Before the Japanese invaded China, Ip Man only had to worry about random challenges from other kung fu masters. In his own calm and polite manner, he managed to show them all that he was the best. That’s how you know someone is a true badass; when he is able to beat the shit out of everybody and not be cocky about it. And when I say that he beats the shit out of people, it’s an understatement.

Of course his skill is highly sought after by many people, but Ip Man doesn’t need money and has no need to teach in order survive. But when the Japanese arrive, that all changes. Now, I’ve forgotten to mention, but Ip Man or Yip Man was a real person. Not only was he real but he was Bruce Lee’s master. Mother fucking Bruce Lee. Ip Man is a semi-biographical film about the grandmaster and is a must see for any kung fu enthusiast. So there is a story here but the real reason to watch the movie is the badass kung fu. This movie isn’t like a Rocky film where Rocky starts the fight by getting pummeled only to win at the end. In this movie, Yip Man is the man and at no point are his skills challenged, especially not when he challenges ten Japanese karate guys to a fight and proceeds to destroy all of them.

In this movie, Ip Man isn’t so much a fighter as he is a meat tenderizer; so as a result, the film is awarded five bloody steaks.

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Prequel Sequel Kickassness- Ong Bak 2 Netflix Pick

Haaris Ahmed — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 23:39:29 +0000

Ong Bak 2

Fuck Yes the ultimate Thai Warrior, Tony Jaa is back in this prequel to Ong Bak, Ong Bak 2 and it is waiting for you to stream it on the Netflix.

Tony Jaa is the man. If you have never seen his movies than have been missing some epic shit. Tony Jaa does not use any types of nets, ropes, cgi, harness, nothing but pure huge balls to pull off unbelievable stunts.

Tony Jaa’s choreography and stunts have been praised throughout the film community and kung fu aficionados like myself are finally excited about him doing justice to the genre while adding his own signature and flare. So I am not going to talk about how in this movie there is a battle scene in which he takes on a HEARD OF ELEPHANTS, oops.

But seriously the only thing that has been lacking in his movies up to this point are the dialog and story which isnt that big of a deal when dealing with this type of genre and the fact its a foreign flick. Knowing that they are making an action movie they tend to border on the silly and exciting, again this really not that big deal when comparing it to the blockbuster films that come out in the united states that are just pure crap.

This movie is a Prequel to Ong Bak. It takes place back in ancient Thailand telling the story of Tien. Tien is son of a noble man who has a turbulent life. Lucky for Tien he is the man. His father gets killed, he gets sold to slavery only to battle a crocodile in a mud pit, then barely escapes and is rescued by a King of Thieves type, is raised and masters all sorts of kick ass styles, puts down a HEARD OF ELEPHANTS, wages war, avenges his father and eventually ends up with the girl. Pretty standard right, WRONG. Stream this bitch though Netflix and watch this masterpiece unfold.

The only reason this doesn’t get 5 meats is the lack of boobs in this film.

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Black Dynamite is Alright

Joe A. Melendez — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 21:05:32 +0000

Meh… That’s pretty much what I have to say about Black Dynamite. I wasn’t expecting more or less than it actually delivered, which is a good thing. You have boobies, kung-fu and dick jokes for an hour and thirty minutes.

It’s a blaxploitation spoof a-la Dolemite. I mean really, what do you expect to see? It’s funny, it’s ridiculous, it’s blatantly and deliberately badly made and it’s entertaining.

Black Dynamite gets 3.5 meaty stakes for containing good looking women and surprisingly decent kung-fu action.

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BEST MOVIE OF 2009-NINJA ASSASSIN REVIEW

Haaris Ahmed — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:36:56 +0000

Simply put this is the best movie of 2009. Fuck Star Trek, Fuck Transformers 2, Fuck UP, Fuck Terminator, and SUPER FUCK TWILIGHT this is the movie of 2009.

The good, EVERYTHING. Blood blood and more blood. within the first 5 minutes this movie literally starts slicing faces in half, GRAPHICALLY and doesn’t stop till the end of the movie. There was so much fake blood that even George A Romero would have been taken back. The movie went from current time to flashback time seamlessly, which is a huge plus. I expected the story to be lame, but I was wrong, it was actually solid for real time ninjas. I expected the acting to be subpar at best, WRONG AGAIN. The multiracial cultural cast set in Germany was believable and they worked well together. The main ninja dude is a pop star in Korea so I expected him to be soft, TOTALLY 180 degrees wrong. This dude was as hard core as it comes. This movie totally ninja’d yours truly.

The attention to detail is what makes this movie. Any fan of the Samaria flicks, anime, Kung Fu or ninjas flicks will pick on this real quick. This movie brings ninja stars to a whole new level, the scenes with the ninja stars can only be compared to the opening sequence in Ninja Scroll when all the ninjas blast the forest in a ninja star attack on the Rock skinned dude. Shadow hopping is prevalent throughout this flick and the best was healing jutsu sequences, who doesn’t like ninja magic?

Do yourself a favor and see this movie, I have 3 times already all in the movie theaters.

Shit Just Got Real…

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1970s Samurai Gangsta Film Trilogy Too Good To Exist? Nope Hanzo The Razor Itami Review

Haaris Ahmed — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 23:01:23 +0000

Shintarô Katsu is the MAN. Who is he? Shogun Assassin producer. The guy who played Zatoichi. He is as bad ass as they come when discussing 70’s Asian flicks, hands DOWN.

So I am hooking you up with a trilogy of films where he plays Hanzo “The Razor” Itami, a police officer in the Edo period when ronin samurais ran wild in Japan. He has mastered the style of being the baddest mother fucker around. One of those style that he has mastered is called “flesh sword”. That is a reference to his penis. And his penis is all powerful. He literally interrogates women by giving them the dick, then stopping half way into his groove, then questions the women while he is still inside them, and they can’t resist the pure ecstasy of his style and the women confess with the promise that Hanzo will continue with his epic style. He also fights while still in his underwear throughout the 3 films. Besides his amazing virility The Razor is respected by even the Shogun himself. He is a true Samurai in the age when being a samurai was a dying art. There is some remarkable critiques of society, gender roles, justice, power and class systems.

There are 3 movies that contain “The Razor” in them. Here are the English titles:

Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice

Hanzo the Razor: The Snare<—— my favorite

Hanzo the Razor: Who’s Got the Gold

You don’t have to watch them in order but I recommend you do. My favorite is The Snare. At one point he interrogates a nun by stripping her down, putting her naked body in a rope net, then getting his two lackeys(both are fucking hilarious, pure comedy with their unintentional homo humor and constant lack of pussy) to lift a this nun contained net up and down on his “flesh sword” , spinning her at time on his back until she reached the height of pleasure and then started asking her questions! Talk about torture ladies, and yes she confessed, with the quickness I might add.

Overall this movie is extremely male chauvinistic, bloody, and awesome. If you like movies from the 70’s, samurais, comedy and super awesome porn music then this trilogy is for you.

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Crank High Motha Fuckin Voltage!

Whiteface — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 16:41:02 +0000

Chicken and broccoli. Fucking Chev Chelios is back! The man who cannot die, not from ninjas, not from assassins, not from ninja assassins, not from a deadly poison known as The Chinese Shit, and certainly not from falling out of a fucking airplane. The sequel picks up right we we left off, Chev falling 40000ft out of the sky, bouncing off a car and landing on the street. Seconds later, his body is picked up by several Chinese fellows and tossed into the van. After a very unsanitary surgery, we learn that our hero’s heart is being stolen and replaced with an artificial heart to keep him alive long enough for their leader to watch him die. But first they want some other parts, specifically his wang. Obviously, Chev ain’t havin that so we quickly snap into action and let it begin. Of course we call the Doc and he gives us the low down on the artificial heart, it has an internal battery and needs a constant electrical charge to keep the blood pumping. You can only imagine the 100 or so different ways were going to see this guy electrocute himself in the next hour and a half.

We’ve got all sorts of shit going on this movie. Rock video style editing, flashes of ridiculous images, crazy rodeo sex scenes, hilarious one liners, horrible English accents, and even a 3 minute long Godzilla style fight scene. Amy Smart is back as the sexy girlfriend who is willing to get the bone in public. You know what, everyone who was left alive and even one we thought was dead comes back for the sequel. Its the same directing duo as the first, Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor and they completely took what they had in the first movie and amped it up a notch. Hilarious, action packed, trippy scenery, over the top gore and silicon pouring out of a strippers recently shot titty are just a few reasons why you NEED to see this movie.

I absolutely loved every second. This here flick gets the Red Meat Stamp of Grade A Beef. You can purchase it right away right HERE. If you need more evidence, check out the trailer below…

Whiteout.

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