Red Meat Reviews » TV

Gun Sword – To Many Awesome Cliches Wrapped Into One Series

Haaris Ahmed — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 03:13:46 +0000

If you crossed Vash the Satmpede with Kill Bill mix in some popular anime cliches like space cowboys and giant mechs your get Gun Sword, and as Martha would say, “it’s a good thing”

Straight out the gates this anime is one that any fanboy is going to like. Its hard to describe this 2005 anime series currently streaming on netflix, but I’ll make an attempt.

It centers around this wandering dude named Van, who has an Armor (A space mech) named Dan of Thursday and is looking for a man with a claw that murdered his soon to be wife. One day Dan meets Wendy, a girl that is looking for her brother, and thats where Gun Sword begins.

Gun Sword is 26 episodes long and it gets pretty deep when it comes to plot and character development. Turns out Van’s Armor, Dan of Thursday is one of 7 Armors that look over this world. Apparently this world was a prisoner planet a long time ago, so long in fact that the people of this planet have forgotten their own history. To keep the planets population in check, Dan of Thursday and 6 other Armors circle the planet in their own space station satelliete where they power up and rest until called upon by their pilot. Once summoned, the Armors land on the surface and the pilot assumes control.

Needless to say there are serious religious and world domination themes going on, all with clean animation, good voice acting on the English end, and some humor that actually works in an anime.

The best part about Gun Sword is that you don’t have to be an anime head to get into it. This is not to say that the hardcore anime freak-a-zoid will not dig this series, in fact they are going to love it.

Unlike

Like Ninja Scroll? Basilisk Anime Review on Netflix

Haaris Ahmed — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 22:49:55 +0000

It has been a long time since Ninja Scroll came out. When I first watched Ninja Scroll it was a religious experience that i have carried till this day, Hell it started my anime obsession. The first time you watch Ninja Scroll you cant believe what your seeing, it is both shocking and beautiful. I have never seen violence portrayed in that matter.

Since the time of Ninja Scroll there have been a lot of ultra violent anime especially about the feudal age of Japan. Most animes are copies that are really generic or clones of Ninja Scroll. Basilisk is an anime that is cut from the same cloth but stands on its own two legs as an stand alone series.

Basilisk is a Romeo and Juliet story set in Feudal Japan about 2 opposing ninja clans. The story will send you on a twisted ride of political backstabbing, ninja magic, sex, murder, and of coarse mad ninja stars yo! The basic premise is about 2 ninja clans who have hated each other have a peace pact that has lasted hundreds of years decreed by the shogun at that time. This pact is dissolved because the Emperor’s wives both bear him a heir. These rival mothers want their sons to succeed the emperor. What is the shogun to do? His solution is to break the ninja pact by letting the opposing ninja clans represent the half brothers lineage. This will keep the war for power in the ninja world and will not become an internal blood bath, good news for japan, REAL BAD NEWS for the ninja clans. The shogun assembled an list of the ninja clans heads. The victor is the clan who eliminates the other clans heads first.

Both ninja clans HATE each other and have been waiting for this peace pact to be lifted, except for the heads of the clans which are young and in love and have been working on creating a permanent bridge of peace, but as most star crossed love stories go this is going to end with a lot of blood.

The animation is real clean, hardcore and in your face. If you are opposed to sex, blood, gore and murder than you shouldn’t watch this. I can not stress how epic this anime is. There is a lot of movement and some serious nudity and sexual exploitation on both sides. For example there is a ninja who once she organisms you die; her breath at the point of climax will kill anyone she is conjoined with, pretty bad ass. And thats just 1 of the many ninja’s in this anime.

With fast moving anime, a compelling story (which does drag at times) and twisted in ninja folklore Basilisk is a must watch for any fan of anime, ninja’s or just plain bad ass shit. Its currently streaming on netflix.

Unlike

Soul Eater – This Anime Series Will Consume Your Soul

Haaris Ahmed — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 22:30:47 +0000

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!! I know we hear at the meat have been lazy as all hell, but 2011 is a whole new ball game. We will try me more productive this year, hooking all you carnivores up with awesomness, but no promises. On to the review, Soul Eater!

Soul Eater is one of the best anime series I have ever seen seen hands down. I passed it over on the netflix’s time and time again because I thought it was another run of the mill cliche cute anime series, I was WRONG, way wrong.

Soul Eater takes place on another plane of existence where the Grimm Reaper rules supremely, yet he cannot leave this plane due to the storyline of this anime. The Grimm Reaper develops a school for soul eaters and their misters to do his job of collecting souls. The soul eaters are people that have the power to slay evil spirits and witches by turning into actual weapons, and after the battle they consume souls to become more powerful, cool right? Misters are people that control the soul eater when they are in weapon mode. The realationshop between mister and weapon is what drives this anime into an epic series, after a couple of episodes you are attached to every character. The Grim Reaper is portrayed as a light hearted easy going kind of dude, but whenever it flashes back he is much MUCH darker.

The story centers around 3 students, but is mostly about Soul (a weapon) and his miester Maka. In the 1st episode Soul is about to become the Reapers new weapon. In order for a weapon to be yeilded by the Grim Reaper it has to consume 100 souls and 1 witch soul, but both Soul and Maka were tricked on on the witch soul and had to start from square one.

But thats just 1 character in an anime series that has many MANY characters and story lines that go all sorts of directions. MY NEW FAVORITE HERO IS BLACKSTAR. He is the man and his back story is simply sublime.

The animation style is so clean with a lot of movement, and there are a a LOT of episodes.

This anime is live Avatar the last air bender, great story for both the kids and adults alike, I think, I don’t have kids. Its streaming for free on netflix right now, what more do you want.

Me and Black Star are giving this epic anime 5 soul eating meats!!!

Spartacus: Blood and Sand

Joe A. Melendez — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 02:38:41 +0000

The entire look and feel of this movie is evidently ripped from the movie 300. Now that I have mentioned this show’s only weakness, let me tell you about what makes it kick ass.

Spartacus was a Thracian slave who became the greatest Gladiator in the Roman Empire. This is a fact. It is also a fact that the life of a gladiator was extremely brutal, bloody and just down right violent. So this show has blood and plenty of it. Be prepared for amputations, decapitations and eviscerations by the fucking boatload. Blood is splattered all over the place. The only good thing is that the gore, being done in obvious CGI, is less disturbing than you might imagine. It’s not a bad thing in this case, because guess what? There is actually a plot that sucks you in and keeps you interested.

There are some things that should be considered a spoiler, but honestly, if you don’t already know about Spartacus then go pick up a fucking history book. Spartacus was not only the most badass gladiator of his time, but he lead a slave revolution in Rome called the Third Servile War. Spartacus: Blood and Sand are about his gladiator days; how he got there and why he felt the need to revolt. The show sucks you in and gets you to tag along from one episode to another. There were actually some episodes with plot twists that I did not see coming.

When in Rome… Yes, when in Rome. There will be nudity. Tons of it. This show has an equal ratio of blood to boobies and I think I mentioned how much blood there was before. First of all, guys, if staring at naked men makes you uncomfortable because deep down inside you are a raging homo that needs to get out and suck a cock, then guess what? This show is not for you, because you’ll get to see all sorts of guys in the buff, all the time and that will make the repressed homosexual in you angry enough to beat your children at night for no good reason. Now if nude men don’t bother you as long as there are a boatload of gorgeous naked women around **Full Frontal** then once again, this show IS for you. Oh and how could I forget… Lucy “Motherfucking Xena” Lawless is in this showing her goods every single episode and I’ll tell you what. She looks good.

I watched the show on Netflix, but would not mind getting this on DVD. And that means that I am willing to watch the entire season of Spartacus: Blood and Sand all over again. This prompts me to give the show 4.5 meaty steaks taking away half a steak because of the cheesy CGI and music whenever battles occur. The music constantly gave me the feeling that Lorenza Lamas was about to appear out of left field.

Unlike

Avatar the Last Airbender TV Series Review

Haaris Ahmed — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 00:26:46 +0000

Earth, Water, Fire, and Air.

I was chilling watching trailers in a movie theater then I saw this trailer for the Last Airbender and it took my breath away. Having a brother who is 10 years younger I was somewhat exposed to this name so it was familiar. My little brother was an Avatar junkie, but I never sat down to watch it with him, I should have. I mean I wrote it off, it was on Nickelodeon and I thought it was another piece of animation trash, again I was so wrong.

I hopped onto the Netflix about a week ago and started watching the 3^rd and final season first. I know it sounds backwards but A-I didn’t think I was going to get hooked and B-it was the only season that was streaming. It was AWESOME! Every episode was action packed, with multiple storylines going on and killer animation. This is one of the few series that both adult and kids can get down with.

So whats this shit all about? In this world there are 4 nations, Fire, Earth Water and Air. Certain people in each nation are born with the ability to “Bend”. Bending is the ability to manipulate a certain element, fire benders control fire, earth benders control the earth, and so on. The Avatar is like the Dali Llama, there is one 1 in existence at a time, and when an Avatar dies another will take its place, its reincarnation 101. The Avatar is unique because they have the ability to master all 4 elements and have an immense power. The story picks up during a period of war. The Fire nation is on a campaign to take the entire world and blanket it under his flag. This war has been going on for a couple of generations and the last Avatar suddenly disappeared right when it started and the people of the world haven’t been able to find the next Avatar since.

At the beginning of the war the Air-benders are wiped out of existence, the last Avatar came out of the Air nation so out of fear the Fire lord at the time took out the ENTIRE NATION! But the last Air Bender was frozen in ice, where he stayed for 100 years. The last Air-bender happens to be the Avatar as well. His name is Anng, and he is one of the most memorable characters EVER.

The story begins with 2 water tribe kids stumbling upon Aang’s body frozen in time for 100 years. The story starts off with this trio, and as the journey continues they encounter both friends and enemies that test the bonds of friendship. In Fact this series is heavily relies on character development. Every season they grow up, in their appearance and their maturity. This character development is what makes this anime so likable, to see how charters change for better or worse over time. There are some serious twists and turns that make this story incredible.

This series has everything. Characters that have depth and you become very attached within a matter of minutes. The story and writing is fantastic. There is action, suspense, comedy, love, loss and an overall Zen like message.

I can go on and on going into massive amounts of details on many things within this series, but I wont, you need to watch this. Fuck Lost, Avatar the Last Airbender is the SHIT!!!! My rating, the always rare, oh shit, 5 MEATS!!!!!!

Needless to say I am ½ was through season 2 and will hit up season one right before the movie drops on July 2^nd. M Night Shyamalan cant fuck this movie up cause unlike all the other flicks he has been involved with, this is the only one that he didn’t write, so no stupid ass twists. DON’T FUCK THIS UP!!!!!

Unlike

White Trash Sopranos, I mean Sons of Anarchy….Awesome

Whiteface — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:36:05 +0000

Bad ass tatt

Once again, I start a new series during it’s second season, partly because of my recent dark ages saga and partly so that the show can prove it’s worth before it gets canceled and I get pissed off. This one I started on the recommendation from a friend, and what a recommend it was. Sons of Anarchy, FX’s smash hit, has got me ready to sell my car, buy a Harley, grow a beard, don a leather vest, and shoot a drug dealer in the face….just not my drug dealer.

Question…. How could a show starring Peggy Bundy, the Scottish dude with that FUCKED up scar, Henry Rollins, and Ron mothafuckin Perlman be bad? It can’t, you’re right. Besides these powerhouses, Sons has a full time cast of people you definitely would recognize, just might take you a minute to place them. The protagonist, Jax, is played by Charlie Hunnam, who you might remember from such films as Green Street Houligans and Children of Men.

What’s it all about you ask? Well since you’ve asked, it’s all about a biker gang from Charming California and their various exploits in illegal gun trafficking, extorting local business for protection, warring with local gang rivals, and cutting the balls off rapists. The underlying main theme is the inner conflict of Jax and his attempt to steer the club into a safer line of work at the recommendation of his deceased father who “passes” his legacy on through a book he wrote that Jax finds. Currently, Ron Perlman is the club pres and Jax is the VP. Peggy Bundy is Jax’s mother and Perlman’s wife (awkwaaarrdd) and she is BAD ASS. In a nutshell, it’s Sopranos all over again with a different set of outlaws who do terrible things and are undeniably psychopaths……but you like them. Season 1 was awesome, Season 2 is fucking CRAAAZZZYY, can’t wait for the launch of Season 3 which was confirmed back in December. With over 5 million viewers weekly, it is definitely the new hot shit on FX and should continue to be for a while. You can find Season 1 on DVD/Blue Ray and feel free to purchase that right now. Check it out.

Whiteout.

Unlike

Aziz Wants You to Have Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening

Haaris Ahmed — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 19:15:00 +0000

This dude is funny.

Aziz Ansari has been on my radar since Human Giant, one of the only good shows that resided on MTV that did not involve reality shows or rejects from NJ. I have seen him do cameo’s in movies like “Funny People” and he mistakenly thought Bret and Jermain were Aussie’s on Flight of the Conchords and threw some serious but misplaced racism on his Kiwi buddies.

His comedy special “Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening” was on comedy central (I DVR’d the secret stash version so I got the curses) and it was hilarious! I am not saying this cause we both are brown people, like the Wu Tang, and have huge families with about a billion cousins.

He just dives right in and he sets people on fire. Now I am not going to ruin the special for you but he touches on a number of hot topic issues which include his friendship with Kanye West, being brown man doing movies in a white man’s world, internet message board battling, R. Kelly, dinosaur rape and magic mushrooms. Like me he has lived most of his life on the east coast but now resides on the west side, but unlike me this cat is paid and gets to hang out at exclusive places and make fun of the people that invited him to these exclusive places in the first place, lucky asshole. (there was no reason for that last statement, its just cool as shit that he gets to do that, I want to get paid well to do that) I have a censored version of his special cause they send me that shit for my specialty show on 92.9 KJEE Santa Barbara’s modern rock and it is funny with the censored beeps, and I fucking hate those censored beeps. I have tried to get this dude to do a call into my Sunday night specialty show, his peoples have yet to get back to me. But if you are reading this Aziz, give your boy Haaris a call on Sunday night between 8-9pm on 92.9 KJEE, I will twitter this to ya! What it could happen, I have twitter.

Oh and check out his blog, it’s much more professional than this one, and it may be funnier, and more technically savvy, ok check out his blog, but come back to this one! http://azizisbored.tumblr.com/

You can currently see Aziz do his thing on Parks and Recreation, if you haven’t seen it you’re not using your TV properly. Buy the DVD, get the CD and play it on your MP3 player at work and make everyone uncomfortable around you as you bust out in fits of laughter in your cubical, yes you can be that crazy person who laughs in a silent office. Aziz cuts off 4 fat slabs, bloody delicious.

And heads up to everyone who wants to hear some Aziz, I will be playing you a cut from Aziz’s “Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening” on New Noize this Sunday from 8-9pm on 92.9 KJEE Santa Barbara’s Modern Rock.

Unlike

Jersey Shore is Terrible

Joe A. Melendez — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:29:51 +0000

I was born and raised in New Jersey. I am proud to be from New Jersey. I love New Jersey. I fucking hate the Jersey Shore. I fucking hate guidos, dumb sluts and house music; within the first 30 seconds of watching MTV’s “Jersey Shore” some dumb broad says, “guidos everywhere, hot girls, and house music.” Just kick me right in the balls. Just do it now… You might as well because I’m going to watch two full episodes of this fucking show. WHY???? Because I was asked to.

Let me hit play. I’m about 5 minutes into this fucking show and I have to say that Al Qaeda crashed those planes into the wrong place. If they would have crashed into Seaside Heights and/or Belmar on Memorial Day Weekend, they would have done us all a great service. Okay, let me keep watching.

Oh Commercials, thank god.

Fuck, it’s starting.

12 minutes in… I’m thinking of clipping my toenails and then jabbing the clippings deep into my eyes. I’ve been watching this for 20 minutes now and have been reminded why I haven’t been back to the Jersey shore in at least 8 years.

Why am I watching this? Why would anybody watch this? What the fuck is this shit? If you want to see hot people fuck, go to google and enter the word “porn”… you might get a hit or two and it won’t be censored. You want to watch a fight? Go watch UFC or boxing. This show is simply stupid. Guidos are funny on 30 second youtube videos, watching them interact in their natural habitat for more than 5 minutes exposes them as being insecure and sorry. Okay, here comes the anthropological breakdown:

It has taken millions of years of primate evolution to produce Homo Sapien — the modern, intelligent, human species. During the process of evolution, man has become what it is today because of adversity in their everyday lives, from climate change to the warding off of enemies, both animal and human. The more crafty and intelligent and the stronger and more powerful of the species were more likely survive and pass on it’s genetic material to its offspring. With climate stabilization, man developed agriculture and ultimately civilizations. The female of our species is programmed to mate with a male that is healthy and provides security. Luckily, we have alcohol for them to forget all about this, but as a whole, they would rather go fuck Derek Jeter or Brad Pitt than me or you. Why? Because they have money and are physically attractive (which exemplifies good health). The guido is the peacock of the male homo sapien. Lacking intelligence, it uses its muscles and hair gel as metaphorical feathers to attract females who fall prey to their biological yearnings without the ability to differentiate between genetic instinct and good taste. And since this method of procreation is so effective, the Guido will continue to breed and pass on its genetic tendencies to drink Grey Goose, fist-pump to house music, wear too much hair gel, go to the Jersey Shore, fuck bimbos and get into fights over potential mates. The entire Guido look is simply part of a mating ritual, one that is predominant among the less intelligent of our Northeastern American Homo Sapien of Italian descent. Also, it’s not “an Italian thing” it’s a “stupid-Italian thing.” I’m pretty sure Michelangelo and DaVinci were not Guidos.

Okay, lets move on.

25 minutes in and I’ve already decided that I won’t be watching the next episode, but I’ll troop it through this one. Some dumb midget just got really drunk and made an ass of herself. Then more shit happened that was neither interesting nor entertaining.

32 minutes in and this is the longest show I’ve ever watched. Holy fuck!

Okay listen, I believe in freedom and diplomacy. These assholes aren’t hurting anybody and they’re allowed to have their own kind of unoriginal fun. In return I won’t be going to any guido saturated parts of the Jersey shore or watch anymore of this show. And as long as these people aren’t going to any of the shows, bars and museums that I like to visit, then there is no problem. But in my world, these people would not be allowed to vote. Otherwise we’ll end up with nothing but Berluschonis running the show.

This show gets no meaty steaks. It truly is the lowest level of entertainment and it even lacks at that.

Shark Weak

Joe A. Melendez — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:44:53 +0000

Every year, for an entire week, the Discovery Channel showers us with footage and new material involving the most badass predatory animals of the sea. (When I’m not in the ocean.) It had been a few years since I had been able to watch Shark Week, since I’ve been completing a personal odyssey, so I was excited to catch this year’s event. Now, it is never a good idea to go into anything with too much excitement, because the let down comes easier and so it came to me this year. So what was so bad about Shark Week that I actually failed to tune in a night or two?

Not enough footage of sharks being sharks. It seemed to me that every show they had consisted of annoying hosts trying to fuck with sharks, just to answer dumb questions that any 12-year-old kid could answer. “Will a great white shark eat all the tuna that we throw at it?” Of course it fucking will, it’s a shark! “Will the shark attack me if I swim in a plexiglass box with chum?” Of course it fucking will, it’s a fucking shark!
Enough with the reenactments. “Billy and John were out surfing in shark infested water, ignoring the warnings posted all over the beach and relayed on the radio.” Guess what happens next? One gets eaten by a fucking shark! “Jane was told by the natives that the bay was full of demons and creatures that ate the shit out of you and that’s why they never went swimming in the fucking bay. So on a hot day, Jane decided to jump into the water.” Guess what happens next? Jane gets eaten by a fucking shark.
Myth Busters Shark and/or Jaws editions. I understand, I like Myth Busters and most people do. The ginger and the mustache dude are fun to watch and they love to blow shit up. But can we just give them the week off during Shark Week? I want to watch real fucking sharks eat real fucking people. Not robots or rubber sharks.
Once again, not enough footage of sharks being sharks. I want some Blue Planet shark footage, some world class high definition shark videos of them being badass sharks in their natural environment without some Captain Quint wannabe throwing chum into the water.

Now, it was not all a failure. I really did enjoy their opening show “Blood in the Water” about the 1916 shark attacks in New Jersey that inspired JAWS. It was well done, informative and interesting. Plus it included three things that I find personally awesome, death, sharks and New Jersey. Also, Shark Week teaches us a few things that we all need to know and do.

Only dumb fucks get eaten by fucking sharks. Sharks live and kill in the water. If people tell you that you’re in waters that sharks frequent, then don’t fucking go swimming. Also, sharks love to eat surfers.
If you jump into the ocean, you might get eaten. Once again, sharks will fucking eat you. You are food. You are not one with the planet and can live in peace with your surroundings. You are a fucking floating steak and if I were a shark, I would fucking eat your stupid ass too.
Don’t fuck with sharks. Seriously, don’t fuck with them. We have a nice law in some states in the United States called the “King of the Castle” law; whereas if a person enters your property and they threaten you, you can kill them. Sharks are basically the crazy rednecks of the ocean, so don’t swim in their waters, but most importantly don’t hunt them down and kill them if they eat your stupid brother. We need sharks in the ocean. They serve a great purpose and frankly, I want my non-existent offspring to enjoy shark shows on the Discovery channel in the future. So let’s stop killing sharks.

And let’s stop killing sharks for their fins. Sign the Petition and let’s end finning. Until next Shark Week.

Unlike

Another One Bites the Dust, the Death of Kings

Whiteface — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 17:06:14 +0000

So I just got done watching season 1 of NBC’s drama Kings. Incredible. And of course, yet again, we have been robbed of a great show prematurely. A victim of bad advertising, or a tough time slot, or some other bullshit excuse that really means it wasn’t making us enough money. I’ve seriously had with TV. How rare is it that a show actually makes it to its intended last episode. But we are powerless against it and even when we do get a show back on (like Jericho), its never the same. The only show I can really recall getting put back on for good reason and remain successful is Family Guy, and that’s because it was way ahead of its time and is fucking hysterical. Kings is undoubtedly deserving of a resurrection that we’ll most likely never see. But I would really like to talk about how good the show was rather than how much I’ll miss it.

Kings is the modern-day tale of David from the bible. Like the David who slew Goliath using only a rock and a sling, only this time David takes out a tank called Goliath with a missile. For those that don’t know the rest of that story, David winds up becoming the King of Israel at the choice of God Himself and was beloved by his people. Now for the show its not Israel, its Galboa, and it looks a lot like present day America. The story focuses on David’s rise to that throne at the fall of the current king, Silas, who was once also chosen by God but has since fallen out of his favor due to bad decisions made in vain. David is just a farm boy, the youngest son of 7, but soon rises to fame since taking out the Goliath, and the king has little choice but to exploit that fame. Silas seems to have good intentions for his people but his family’s troubles cloud his judgment and he slips further and further from the grace of God as the season progresses. Beautifully written in an almost poetic style, I could see where some viewers could find it hard to catch the details in the plot. But if you can interpret the message in each episode, you’d agree its the best written show on TV. Or was. Now this type of dialogue is extremely difficult to act, and the ENTIRE cast does it with perfection. Familiar faces and newcomers alike. The main character, David, is played by newcomer Chris Egan, an Australian actor who was easy to admire from the very first episode. But the best actor on the show is definitely Ian McShane who plays Silas. You may remember this incredible artist from HBO’s Deadwood.

King Silas and David

FUCK, I am really bummed about this show being canceled. It did, at least, make it through all 13 of its first season’s episodes and didn’t leave us hanging halfway through. Although it’s obvious that the show is not finished by that 13th episode. Even that being said this will no doubt be a great DVD pick up and I would recommend it to anyone with a brain. We can only pray that another network will pick this up or a huge revolt for its return occurs. I’m not holding my breath though. So fuck you NBC, I’m really mad at you. Kings was the shit. Check out the official website at:

http://www.nbc.com/Kings/

Whiteout.

Unlike