The Final Destination 3D – A mother/son 3D viewing experience.

There is no need to beat around the bush when it comes to the Final Destination franchise. The plot remains the same from movie to movie. But I go to the theater every single time that a new one comes out to feed my insatiable appetite for blood and gore done with Grade-A CGI and special FX. I knew what to expect and always dreamed for the day that I could see such horrors in Hi-Def 3D. And it had finally come, but this is not the kind of movie that I can see alone. Not because it scares me, but because I’m the kind of asshole that likes to scare people sitting next to me while they cringe with fear in their seat. And that’s how I ended up asking the following question, “Hey Mom, you want to go see a movie?”

And the poor lady agreed. I’ve been to the movies with my mom many times in the past; as a kid, it was a bit embarrassing because she is the kind of person that is rather vocal about how she is feeling. But now, this would only add to my sick amusement. The previews began, the volume was a bit too loud, my mom screamed. “Oh this is going to be better than I anticipated,” I thought. Finally they were over and the screen prompted us to put our 3D glasses on.

“Oh my God,” she said. I giggled. The movie commenced with 3D deliciousness.

This time around, the psychic asshole saves his buddies from a super badass accident at some redneck stock care race. This was by far the juiciest 3D part of the entire movie, making me flinch about four times as I dodged fire, debris, screw drivers and body parts. Ten minutes into the movie and I was already laughing like a nitrous fiend, my mom had removed her 3D glasses. Obviously, this was only the dream that the psychic weirdo had. He freaks out, saves some people, and we have a plot. Meanwhile, my brain and eyes are still adjusting to the 3D, you’d think that they’d already be, considering I live in reality. My mom on the other hand has decided to watch the movie that was playing on the palm of her hand. She’s also mumbling something. I can barely make it out, but I have a feeling that it’s directed at me.

So now we’re following  the survivors as they get picked off one by one in the most ridiculously possible ways. One good thing about The Final Destination movies is that they trick you into believing that the person is going to die one way, but eventually dies another more terrible way. This is especially fun when you are watching one of these films with someone that is not so familiar with the franchise’s tactics. So I spent much of my time, gently elbowing my Mom and telling her to put her 3D glasses back on, because she’s missing out on the good stuff. But she stubbornly refused to stop watching whatever it is she was seeing on the palm of her hand.

During the next hour or so of the movie, my mother threatened me a few times that she was leaving the movie theater and going home. I kept reminding her that all the bad stuff was over and that the rest of the movie would simply be intellectual dialogue in which the remaining characters would discuss the different worldly philosophies behind the concept of fate, death and coincidence. But then one of the characters got his intestines sucked out of him from his ass by a pool drain and she pretty much told me to go fuck myself.

As if it couldn’t get any better, the final twenty-five minutes take place at a movie theater while people are watching a… wait for it…. wait for it… keep waiting…. and… YES!!! a 3D horror movie!!! So for the next twenty-five minutes, as the insane death and explosions develop, my mom is pleading with me to leave. She begins to calm herself by repeating a mantra that went something like, “this is just a movie, this is not real.” But in Spanish. This of course, made me laugh harder and enjoy the movie even more.

The Final Destination 3D is fun and don’t expect anything more or less. The characters are bland, the story is stupid and the dialogue is weak, but I was going for the 3D action. I flinched a couple of times throughout the movie as blood, guts and screwdrivers flew at my face. The deaths were gruesome, violent and gorey, which I loved… My mom, not so much. She was visibly shaken. All in all it was a good time, except for the part at the end of the movie where she disowned me.

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