Jersey Shore is Terrible

I was born and raised in New Jersey. I am proud to be from New Jersey. I love New Jersey. I fucking hate the Jersey Shore. I fucking hate guidos, dumb sluts and house music; within the first 30 seconds of watching MTV’s “Jersey Shore” some dumb broad says, “guidos everywhere, hot girls, and house music.” Just kick me right in the balls. Just do it now… You might as well because I’m going to watch two full episodes of this fucking show. WHY???? Because I was asked to.

Let me hit play. I’m about 5 minutes into this fucking show and I have to say that Al Qaeda crashed those planes into the wrong place. If they would have crashed into Seaside Heights and/or Belmar on Memorial Day Weekend, they would have done us all a great service. Okay, let me keep watching.

Oh Commercials,  thank god.

Fuck, it’s starting.

12 minutes in… I’m thinking of clipping my toenails and then jabbing the clippings deep into my eyes. I’ve been watching this for 20 minutes now and have been reminded why I haven’t been back to the Jersey shore in at least 8 years.

Why am I watching this? Why would anybody watch this? What the fuck is this shit? If you want to see hot people fuck, go to google and enter the word “porn”… you might get a hit or two and it won’t be censored. You want to watch a fight? Go watch UFC or boxing. This show is simply stupid. Guidos are funny on 30 second youtube videos, watching them interact in their natural habitat for more than 5 minutes exposes them as being insecure and sorry. Okay, here comes the anthropological breakdown:

It has taken millions of years of primate evolution to produce Homo Sapien — the modern, intelligent, human species. During the process of evolution, man has become what it is today because of adversity in their everyday lives, from climate change to the warding off of enemies, both animal and human. The more crafty and intelligent and the stronger and more powerful of the species were more likely survive and pass on it’s genetic material to its offspring. With climate stabilization, man developed agriculture and ultimately civilizations. The female of our species is programmed to mate with a male that is healthy and provides security. Luckily, we have alcohol for them to forget all about this, but as a whole, they would rather go fuck Derek Jeter or Brad Pitt than me or you. Why? Because they have money and are physically attractive (which exemplifies good health). The guido is the peacock of the male homo sapien. Lacking intelligence, it uses its muscles and hair gel as metaphorical feathers to attract females who fall prey to their biological yearnings without the ability to differentiate between genetic instinct and good taste. And since this method of procreation is so effective, the Guido will continue to breed and pass on its genetic tendencies to drink Grey Goose, fist-pump to house music, wear too much hair gel, go to the Jersey Shore, fuck bimbos and get into fights over potential mates. The entire Guido look is simply part of a mating ritual, one that is predominant among the less intelligent of our Northeastern American Homo Sapien of Italian descent. Also, it’s not “an Italian thing” it’s a “stupid-Italian thing.” I’m pretty sure Michelangelo and DaVinci were not Guidos.

Okay, lets move on.

25 minutes in and I’ve already decided that I won’t be watching the next episode, but I’ll troop it through this one. Some dumb midget just got really drunk and made an ass of herself. Then more shit happened that was neither interesting nor entertaining.

32 minutes in and this is the longest show I’ve ever watched. Holy fuck!

Okay listen, I believe in freedom and diplomacy. These assholes aren’t hurting anybody and they’re allowed to have their own kind of unoriginal fun. In return I won’t be going to any guido saturated parts of the Jersey shore or watch anymore of this show. And as long as these people aren’t going to any of the shows, bars and museums that I like to visit, then there is no problem. But in my world, these people would not be allowed to vote. Otherwise we’ll end up with nothing but Berluschonis running the show.

This show gets no meaty steaks. It truly is the lowest level of entertainment and it even lacks at that.

Like

Unlike