Shark Weak

Every year, for an entire week, the Discovery Channel showers us with footage and new material involving the most badass predatory animals of the sea. (When I’m not in the ocean.) It had been a few years since I had been able to watch Shark Week, since I’ve been completing a personal odyssey, so I was excited to catch this year’s event. Now, it is never a good idea to go into anything with too much excitement, because the let down comes easier and so it came to me this year. So what was so bad about Shark Week that I actually failed to tune in a night or two?

1. Not enough footage of sharks being sharks. It seemed to me that every show they had consisted of annoying hosts trying to fuck with sharks, just to answer dumb questions that any 12-year-old kid could answer. “Will a great white shark eat all the tuna that we throw at it?” Of course it fucking will, it’s a shark! “Will the shark attack me if I swim in a plexiglass box with chum?” Of course it fucking will, it’s a fucking shark!
2. Enough with the reenactments. “Billy and John were out surfing in shark infested water, ignoring the warnings posted all over the beach and relayed on the radio.” Guess what happens next? One gets eaten by a fucking shark! “Jane was told by the natives that the bay was full of demons and creatures that ate the shit out of you and that’s why they never went swimming in the fucking bay. So on a hot day, Jane decided to jump into the water.” Guess what happens next? Jane gets eaten by a fucking shark.
3. Myth Busters Shark and/or Jaws editions. I understand, I like Myth Busters and most people do. The ginger and the mustache dude are fun to watch and they love to blow shit up. But can we just give them the week off during Shark Week? I want to watch real fucking sharks eat real fucking people. Not robots or rubber sharks.
4. Once again, not enough footage of sharks being sharks. I want some Blue Planet shark footage, some world class high definition shark videos of them being badass sharks in their natural environment without some Captain Quint wannabe throwing chum into the water.

Now, it was not all a failure. I really did enjoy their opening show “Blood in the Water” about the 1916 shark attacks in New Jersey that inspired JAWS. It was well done, informative and interesting. Plus it included three things that I find personally awesome, death, sharks and New Jersey. Also, Shark Week teaches us a few things that we all need to know and do.

1. Only dumb fucks get eaten by fucking sharks. Sharks live and kill in the water. If people tell you that you’re in waters that sharks frequent, then don’t fucking go swimming. Also, sharks love to eat surfers.
2. If you jump into the ocean, you might get eaten. Once again, sharks will fucking eat you. You are food. You are not one with the planet and can live in peace with your surroundings. You are a fucking floating steak and if I were a shark, I would fucking eat your stupid ass too.
3. Don’t fuck with sharks. Seriously, don’t fuck with them. We have a nice law in some states in the United States called the “King of the Castle” law; whereas if a person enters your property and they threaten you, you can kill them. Sharks are basically the crazy rednecks of the ocean, so don’t swim in their waters, but most importantly don’t hunt them down and kill them if they eat your stupid brother. We need sharks in the ocean. They serve a great purpose and frankly, I want my non-existent offspring to enjoy shark shows on the Discovery channel in the future. So let’s stop killing sharks.

And let’s stop killing sharks for their fins. Sign the Petition and let’s end finning. Until next Shark Week.

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